The Back Up Benefit

Screaming Crying

I woke up with a sharp stab of pain through my body. Oh god! It was the worst pain I'd ever felt! I could barely breathe or think. All I could do was lie there and hope the pain passed.

After what could have been hours the pain eased enough for me to sit up. I pushed the duvet back and sat on the edge of the bed to turn the light on. I gasped as the pain struck again. This time I could feel it's centre in my pelvis. I cried out and clawed out blindly for my phone to phone for help.

Then I saw the red blood on my pyjama bottoms. I swore and tried to get up to take them off. There was blood of the sheets. This could only be one thing.

I dialled 999 on my phone and waited.

"I need an ambulance!" I cried at the operator. "I'm having a miscarriage!"

Once I knew the ambulance was on it's way I staggered to the wardrobe, flung the door open and pulled my emergency bag out. The effort made the pain worse.

Slowly but agonisingly I shuffled my way downstairs, clawing at the walls for perchance to help me stand. My bare feet slipped slightly on the wooden stairs as I realised blood was now running down my legs. I picked up my keys on the way to open the front door. Once the door was open I was exhausted from the pain and the effort of moving. I dropped to my knees then onto my side. I lay on the floor struggling to breathe through the pain.

When I saw the ambulance coming up the drive I propped myself up on my elbows in a vague attempt to sit up.

The ride to the hospital was a blur of panic and pain. The medics tried to calm me and ease my pain. I sobbed to the woman holding my hand that I needed to phone my boyfriend. She very kindly let me flick through my phone and call him. It went straight to voicemail. He was probably still on the plane. I had no idea of the time but I knew it was getting light outside. I must have got about two hours sleep after he left.

I thought to myself about if and how I should leave a voicemail telling him our baby had died. This was the hardest call I had ever had to make. I took a deep breath and phoned him again. Straight to voicemail again.

"Ricky, I'm on the way to the hospital." I sobbed. "I'm... I've..."

I couldn't bring myself to say it. I hung up and went back to crying to myself.

An hour later I lay in a bed on a small room, brightly lit room. I'd been examined, external and internal, had an ultrasound that confirmed our baby had died and now I was drugged up on pain killers as midwives acted like this was normal. The harshest thing of all was that the baby still had to be born. It couldn't stay in there for ever.

"Push, push, push." the midwives encouraged. I sucked on the gas and air pain relief and did as I was told.

After all the pain and pushing most women got to hear their baby cry in protest at being in this bright new world. The only cries were my own.

The small, lifeless body was taken away, presumably to the morgue, and I was taken to a ward. A porter followed soon after with my bag.

I didn't have the energy to change into clean pyjamas. I just curled up in my hospital bed wearing my blood smeared tshirt and absorbent nappy like knickers supplied by the hospital. As the pain faded I drifted in and out of sleep. Sometimes a nurse would pop by and say something to me which I didn't listen to.

I felt my phone vibrate against my feet in the bag on my bed. I groaned as I sat up to get it and blinked at the screen. I sighed a little and pressed the phone to my ear as I lay back.

"Hi." I whispered.

"I got your message when I landed. I'm getting the next plane back." Ricky told me. "Is it true? Is our baby gone?"

His voice broke on the last few words. I made a squeaky sob as new tears started.

"It's gone.' I said in a small voice. "They took it to the morgue. I couldn't look. It hurt to much."

"Oh god, I should have been there for you. I should have been holding your hand." he said in a weak, heart breakingly sad voice.

"Hold my hand when you get here." I told him.

About an hour later I was moved to a private room. I was glad for some privacy but had no idea how I deserved it more than the other women in the ward. I drifted in an out of sleep for a few hours, occasionally being woken by a nurse. I was getting sick of being woken when a nurse tapped my arm lightly.

"No!" I grumbled and rolled over.

The movement pulled on the drip feed into my arm and the pain forced me back onto my back. The nurse tapped my arm again.

"You've got a visitor dear." she whispered.

I opened my eyes to see Ricky stood next to her. Expect he didn't look like the Ricky I'd fallen in love with. He was ashen white with slightly red eyes from crying. I'd never seen him look so worried and stressed.

"I'm sorry." he said in a small voice.

I just put my arms out to him for a hug which he slipped into without hesitation. He put his arms gently around my waist and kissed my cheek.

We lay together on the bed for hours, talking quietly, crying and hugging. I told him everything and he listened silently as he watched me with huge tear filled blue eyes. When I'd finished he stroked my cheek with his hand and looked deep into my eyes.

"At least I've still got you. I don't know how I could carry on without you." he told me in a small voice.

I couldn't hold back the tears and sobbed all over again. I felt like I'd spent every waking moment crying.

"Stop being so perfect!" I told him between sobs. "You'll ruin me."

When we'd both stopped crying, for now anyway, he stroked my cheek again.

"Marry me." he said.

"What?" I asked.