The Back Up Benefit

I Wanna Spend My Life With You

"Let's get married." Ricky clarified. "Then we'll never be apart."

I didn't know what to say. I did want to marry him, grow old together and all that. Now wasn't really the time.

"Today?" I asked.

"I didn't mean right now. In a few months, next year, whenever. As long as it happens." he said. "Is that a yes or a no?"

"Yes." I nodded and smiled a little.

I was still confused, maybe it was just the painkillers making me foggy. Was this just a pity proposal or the real thing? It certainly wasn't what I expected. I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this. I hadn't expected to be in hospital wearing paper knickers and still have blood smeared down my legs.

I didn't have much sense of time while I lay in the hospital bed, half asleep and barely saying a word. Days may have passed by the time I felt strong enough to get out of bed but I had no idea. A nurse had wiped my legs clean from the blood but I still hadn't changed clothes. I stood looking out the window at the street while Ricky slept. He looked as tired as I felt. His hair was ruffled and his scratchy stubble was starting to grow.

I vaguely heard him grumbling to himself as he woke up. I soon felt arms around my waist.

"Hey, you feeling a bit better?" he asked.

"Sort of." I nodded. "I might have a wash later."

"Good idea. I'll help if you get too tired." he shook his head. "That sounded wrong!"

"I know what you mean." I smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you." he whispered and leant his forehead to mine.

"Love you too." I mumbled.

"We'll get through this together." he said.

I spent the rest of the morning sitting up in bed, still feeling weak but marginally better. I ate a bit more than than the previous day which I knew would help me get more strength.

When Ricky wanted food he would visit the hospital shop or a nearby shop to by a pre prepared sandwich or something of the type. While he was out he also took business calls that I didn't want to make from the room. Sometimes I heard him outside in the corridor getting irate with the people on the other end of the call but would never discuss it with me when he returned. We hardly talked when we were together as I wasn't in the mood to say more then a few words.

Some time after I'd nibbled a few bites of lunch then pushed the rest of the food around he plate I had a shower. The water was neither warm nor cold. That disappointing tepid temperature that didn't feeling like it cleaned you. Ricky helped me put clean underwear and pyjamas on when I was dry and then got back into bed.

A nurse came in and asked the awkward question. The question I knew we'd have to answer but weren't ready for.

"Would you like to hold your baby?" she asked.

At first I misunderstood the question and burst out in tears again. She went on to explain that parents of still borns were given the chance to hold their baby and say goodbye before arrangements were made. We both agreed although I wasn't sure I was entirely ready for this. I also wasn't sure I could ever be ready for this.

A while later we sat together in a cold room and were handed a tiny bundle of pink blankets. Our cold and pale baby could easily be mistaken for sleeping. I could feel the cold coming from it's stiff little refrigerated body as I cradled it. I wanted to look at it's tiny face and hands but at the same time couldn't bring myself to for knowing it would hurt even more.

After a brief look I buried my head in Ricky's neck and cried. He tightened his arms around me and give a huge shuddering sigh.

"Why did have to happen to us?" he sobbed. "Why our baby?"

I didn't reply. I didn't know why it had happened. I felt wrong for not being able to gaze adoringly at my child. But it hurt to much to look. Someone had told us all the things like the weight and size of our child but I only heard we had had a little girl. They'd given us a brief run down about why they thought the baby had died but neither of us really listened.

As we were heading back to my room we were told we had a visitor. I looked up as we got to the little waiting room near my room to see Simon looking very awkward.

"Hey." he said sheepishly.

"Hi lovely." I smiled weakly.

He greeted Ricky with a big, embracing hug and then bent down to me in the wheelchair and give me a gentle hug. He also had to double over because he was so tall.

"I didn't want to do the flowers and card thing that everyone does so I brought some grapes. You know how they say you should take grapes to a poorly person." he shrugged and held out a bag of grapes that he'd brought from a supermarket.

Ricky chuckled and gave his friend a slight slap on the back. "The food in here's awful. We'll eat those!" he chuckled.

We beckoned Simon to follow us into my room where I got out of the wheelchair and into bed. Simon hovered around awkwardly for a while then settled in a plastic chair near the window. His skinny long legs stuck out as he tried and failed to get comfy.