ARTIFICIAL

R A N T

Ravina

As I do the last touch ups of my makeup, I can't help but to stare at my reflection and admire it because even I have to admit the girl in the mirror is very beautiful. It's a shame I don't like her, it's a shame that that beauty is what got us in this mess. They say being pretty is a privilege. So much so that it's now a term. Pretty privilege. And yet all it has ever given me are problems.

If being pretty was a privilege I wouldn't be getting married to a drug lord right now. But somehow in some way, I am in a very bright mood today because I saw a silver lining in marrying Nathaniel. He doesn't want me.

Do you know how many men I can say those words about? I don't because I haven't met men that don't want me and yet my husband so clearly stated without actually saying it that he doesn't want anything to do with me other than the tittles the public will know us about. Sure he didn't tell me why he's marrying me if he doesn't want to get married but do I care? Nope! Not at all. I'm thrilled!

I know it's not normal for someone to be thrilled with such news when their husband blatantly tells them he has no interest in them whatsoever and then later places a ring that symbolizes a union of people who love each other but unfortunately, I don't have that privilege. I should be sad, I should be wallowing in my own self pity especially because my soon to be husband is dangerously gorgeous.

But my body has been owned by a man since I can remember, even now it's still owned by a man but this man wants to treat it like a book he just buys because he likes the cover. He's not interested in anything inside, just the bright colors of the outside to decorate his library. I won't have to have sex I don't want and I won't have to beg, bend or break according to his liking just to please him and ensure he doesn't hit me when he wants.

I just have to look pretty and not cause any problems, stay clear of him and find a distraction for myself. Except I want to ask him if I can work but since he told me not to say anything to him without being spoken to then I will honor his wishes as much as I can. I don't have anything to say to him either.

I wear some khaki pants and a simple tight fitted T-shirt, so I can have a lazy day in front of the tv. The big tv in the indoor theater, yep, he has a whole theater for just himself. He likes movies, I adore movies. Which doesn't mean anything obviously. I'm not trying to find our common interests because that would be me starting something that would lead to more heartbreak. The man is already an eyesore.

I didn't want anything to do with him for the past couple of days after the auction but his handsome face was already engraved in my mind. But knowing men like him are men just like my brother I already got repelled by him. That was until he said he wasn't interested in my body and then instead of hating him or being mad, I found my heart doing somersaults in my chest.

It's mentally ill to want someone because they don't want to but my mental has been as fucked as my body is for the longest time. I don't have it in me to go through that again, I don't mind being celibate till I die because when my body was being taken more than once it was never any nice. I felt- I still feel as disgusting as ever because that's what I am, completely disgusting and dirty. And I wouldn't want the first man I've actually been attracted to to see it, he's better not touching me.

I can handle him not wanting me, I can't handle him being disgusted with me.

Speaking of things my body has been through, I have bruises all over my abdomen and back from my last punishment. His punishment was me not bringing food to him as he asked when we both know he was just mad because he never asked me anything. I have been gentle with myself hoping they go away quickly. I usually go for a morning run but my body is in no position for me to use my muscles in that way, no matter how much I want to.