Am I Really Enough?

Chapter 4

Jeff shifted nervously in his seat alternating between looking out the window as the world passed by and sneaking looks at Alan as he drove. He'd been on plenty of dates with Alan when he'd felt more confident in his skin. He hadn't felt like this since early in their relationship when everything was new, filling Jeff with emotions and sensations he had never experienced before Alan. He'd spent his life avoiding people so it had taken a little time for his body and mind to adjust to the constant feel of Alan's skin on his, Alan's voice whispering in his ear, Alan's eyes following him, Alan's scent clinging to his clothes, Alan's dimpled smile directed at him.

Besides Charlie, he'd never been the reason for someone else's happiness. Had never made people smile. More often they avoided him, which had been the goal. But even with Charlie, he wasn't really a source of happiness, more like a sense of security and comfort. Initially, every time Alan's eyes lit with joy, with love, the disbelief had suffocated him like trying to hold his breath underwater. Gradually he'd grown used to the feelings and was able to fully reciprocate all the love Alan threw his way.

But now, he'd lost his sense of security in their relationship. He no longer had confidence that he'd live out his days with Alan. No longer believed in Alan's words that he would be his first and last. Instead, maybe Alan wasn't really fated to be his mate. Maybe he'd been a placeholder until Alan found who he truly belonged with. Kit. Is that who Alan belonged with? Maybe it wasn't Kit he belonged with either. Maybe Kit had come just to remind Alan that he could do better.

Feeling Alan's hand squeeze his, he looked up and realized Alan had been speaking to him. "Huh?" he asked rather awkwardly.

He could see Alan's dimple pop out from hiding, "Not listening to me eh, kid? What are you busy daydreaming about?"

Jeff swallowed, reminding himself to act natural. Normal. Like nothing was wrong. There was no way he'd admit that every time he looked at Alan now, all he could see was his lips on someone else. What would Alan even do with that information? He couldn't argue it wasn't true and wouldn't happen because they both knew Jeff's visions all came true. Jeff couldn't force that guilt onto Alan. So he smiled back, telling himself to enjoy the now. He told himself he would enjoy every last minute he had with Alan and not spend them sad and anxious. But telling himself that was so much easier than actually doing it.

"Oh, um, I was just thinking about my strategy for the new engine I'm working on," he answered. Totally believable thing for him to be thinking, right?

He watched Alan continue to smile, shaking his head, "You and I spend way too much of our time thinking about work. I love what we do, but my brain's ready for a break so how about we put work behind us and focus on our night?"

This. This was why Jeff loved Alan. This was what Alan would've said to him before Kit's appearance. Back when he was more consumed by Jeff than by X-Hunter.

"Okay," was all he could manage to say back as Alan parked.

Exiting the car, Alan grabbed his hand, dragging him towards the door, "C'mon. Don't be nervous, kid. It'll be fun. Trust me."

Jeff nodded and held on tight to Alan as they entered the Pottery Studio. Initially, Jeff had rolled his eyes when Alan had suggested a pottery class for their date. It was so cliche. So not him. But, as he'd thought about it, he realized it was very much something he could see Alan loving. So he'd agreed to go, hoping it would be fun and he wouldn't spend the whole time being an awkward klutz.

Sitting on a bench, as close to Alan as possible, Jeff tried to listen to the instructor. Despite knowing the information being shared was critical to his success at the pottery wheel, he was completely failing at focusing on his words. Instead, his whole body lit up with the tight contact he was sharing with Alan. Knees to hips pressed together. Alan's arm around his back, hand settling on his hip, holding Jeff tight to his side. Jeff's body tingled from the feel of Alan. His mind settled as he breathed in Alan's scent. Thoughts of Kit evaporated as he turned, burying his face into Alan's chest.

Alan's body rippled from laughter as he placed a kiss on Jeff's forehead. "You really should be paying attention."

"Can't," was Jeff's reply, eliciting another laugh from Alan.

"Fine. Fine. I missed you too," Alan pressed another kiss to his forehead and pulled him impossibly closer. "I'll just show you what to do when we start."

Once the instructor was done, Alan pulled Jeff from his seat and steered him towards a pottery wheel, gently pushing Jeff to sit on the stool, bringing another stool over to sit behind Jeff.

"Let's recreate the pottery scene from HIStory4, sound good?" he asked Jeff, pulling his stool so they fit tightly together, settling his chin on Jeff's shoulder.

Jeff knew there was no way he'd be able to focus on the blob of clay in front of him. Not with Alan pressed against him. Embarrassingly, he felt himself grow hard as Alan pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his scent gland. Tingles shivering down his body, he dropped his head backwards against Alan's chest and closed his eyes.

"If only we were alone," Alan groaned then pulled back, putting a small space between them.

"Later kid. That's for later," Alan chuckled, wrapping his arms around Jeff and pulling their hands to settle on the clay.

"Thoughts on what we should make?"

Jeff laughed. He had no idea. "I obviously wasn't listening earlier Uncle. You're the one that dragged us here. You decide."

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Tripping over each other on the way from the car to the door, Jeff loved knowing he was the reason Alan had struggled to finish making their lopsided, misshapen, clunky vase. The pottery class ended up being an inspired choice as neither of them could wait to be finished so they could leave for home.

Back pressed against the front door as Alan unlocked it, Jeff heard Alan's phone ring from his back pocket. Ignoring it, Alan pulled Jeff's shirt over his head, staring down at him. "Why are you so pretty Jeff?" Jeff smiled back, popping Alan's buttons open and pushing his shirt down his shoulders.

"We should probably take this inside," Alan whispered, sucking on Jeff's neck, running his fingers over Jeff's nipple.

Jeff didn't really care about getting inside the house. If Sonic or North showed up, they could either turn the other direction or watch for all he cared. He just wanted to keep Alan's focus on him and off his phone.

After a brief return to the silence sprinkled with their heavy breaths, Alan's phone began ringing again.

"Damn it. Hold on. I'll get rid of whoever it is," Alan grumbled as he moved to answer his phone.

But Jeff knew. He knew who it would be. Just like he knew what was about to happen.

Heavy stones filled heart as he listened to Alan. "What? What do you mean? That's impossible. I can't right now. I'm busy," he told the other person as he stared Jeff in the eyes, his other hand drifting down from Jeff's chest. "No. No. You're right. It probably can't wait. I'll be there in a few."

Jeff looked back at Alan who was clearly torn, guilt showing on his face.

"I'm so sorry Jeff. One of our potential sponsors called and is thinking of backing out. I really need to go take care of this."

Jeff could not form words so he just nodded as Alan kissed his cheek, "I'll be back as quick as I can." Jeff nodded again in response.

Jeff held his shirt to his chest, fists clenched in the fabric, watching as Alan drove away.

Notes:

So, a pottery class date is super cliche but I couldn't help myself. The scene from HIStory 4: Close to You was so mushy romantic and that's what I envisioned when i wrote this.

Well, I almost let Jeff be happy. Then ripped it out from under him. Sorry, but I do love to make my characters suffer.