Am I Really Enough?

Chapter 3

Jeff tried so hard to hide his worry and keep his scent calm so Alan wouldn't notice. Worry? Anger? Fear? He wasn't sure what he felt but every muscle in him ached from the effort it took to keep from screaming every thought in his head towards anyone who would listen. Right now, he wasn't sure that person was Alan. He wasn't sure anymore he wouldn't rather talk to anyone but him.

It had been a month. A very long month since Kit had started working at the garage. Each morning it became harder to leave their bed and drive to work. Before Kit had arrived they would drive together but since then Alan had been leaving earlier than usual to train and work with Kit. So Jeff took to driving himself and arriving each day only to see Kit and Alan at work in the office. This also meant that Jeff drove home alone, ate dinner alone, and often went to bed alone. Alan had always worked long hours but his days were even longer now. When Jeff had asked, Alan had simply chuckled telling him how hard it was to train someone to do all the things required for the business and to be patient. He had promised it wouldn't last forever.

He knew he shouldn't have waited this long to tell Alan how he felt. But, now, it had been so long that Jeff didn't even know where to start. It wasn't just one or two things bothering him, it had grown to be this massive list of grievances and he wasn't sure which ones to even tell Alan. Should he write a list, getting it all out onto paper? But he couldn't imagine handing something like that to Alan. Wouldn't it be overwhelming for them both? Did he expect Alan to go through each item and discuss it with Jeff? That would be ridiculous, right?

Way had continued to try and talk to him about it. Telling him that he needed to stop trying to protect Alan's feelings and just tell him it was bothering him. Jeff had tried to voice his thoughts to Way but some part of him felt it was a betrayal to Alan to talk about it with anyone else. So instead, he spent his days with his feelings festering into a wound he feared would never fully heal.

He knew what he was doing was wrong. Not healthy for him or Alan. But too many fears came with his anger and jealousy. Would Alan just tell him he's being ridiculous? That he's imagining things? Would he tell Jeff he was being immature because of his age? That he just didn't have enough experience with grown up relationships? Would he think Jeff didn't trust him? That being jealous was childish? That he clearly wasn't supporting Alan's need for help with his work? And how could he tell Alan about his vision? That he would kiss Kit? Would he try to deny it? Could he even deny it since they both knew Jeff's visions couldn't be altered or stopped? The fears kept Jeff's thoughts from leaving his mouth despite them wanting acknowledgement from the person responsible for their existence.

Alan had asked him more than once if he was okay, clearly noticing that something about Jeff was off. But Jeff always forced a smile and said he was fine or he was tired which seemed a plausible excuse. Once he had managed to tell Alan he missed spending time with him. Alan had just ruffled his hair, answered that he missed him too, and returned to work. So, feeling brushed aside, Jeff had decided he wouldn't pursue it any further.

***********************************************

Sitting by the track eating his lunch, Jeff jumped as Babe and Charlie flopped down on either side of him in the grass.

"So, we've decided that if we've had enough of this then you definitely have," Charlie started as he moved in front of Jeff so he could look into his eyes as he spoke.

Although Jeff knew what they were referring to, he answered, "Enough of what?" Maybe if he pretended he was clueless, unbothered, then they would go away before this conversation headed to places Jeff wasn't sure he was ready for.

Sighing, Charlie tried again, "You know exactly what I'm talking about and we are going to talk about it even if you don't want to."

Smiling softly, he continued, "I'm tired of seeing you sad. I know you think you are doing this amazing job of hiding it, but you're not. At least not from all of us. Everyone but Alan anyway. Although I think he does know on some level."

Turning to face him, Babe said, "Look, we all just want to help. At first, we thought it was best to let you handle it on your own, in your own time. But now it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. So we are here to make it happen."

"Make it happen? What do you mean?" Jeff asked, alarmed by the intensity of Babe's words.

"Babe, shush. Listen Jeff, we just think it's time you talked to him. Everytime something happens and you swallow it down, you just let Kit's confidence grow. You are letting him think that with enough effort he can steal Alan away from you. Is that really what you want?"

When Jeff didn't respond, Charlie asked again, louder, "Is it?"

Head tilted down, eyes squeezed shut, Jeff finally shook his head. "No," he managed quietly.

Babe rose to his feet, pulling Jeff along with him. "Then you are going to march right in there and smack some sense into him!"

"I ...... well ....... "

"I swear if you don't do it, then I'm going to, and I probably won't be as nice as you," Babe all but shouted.

"Ugh, Babe, shut it. He just means that you need to talk to him. Soon. Now, preferably. But if you feel you can't then we will."

There was no way Jeff could put Alan through that, having someone else tell him how Jeff was feeling. Definitely no way he was going to let Babe march in there and probably yell at Alan. He'd probably end up yelling at Kit too, which, if he was being honest, Jeff might enjoy seeing.

"Fine. I'll talk to him. But not right now. Not with Kit still in there with him. I'll do it somewhere private. And soon, I promise."

Raising an eyebrow and looking at Charlie first, Babe asked, "You really will?"

Jeff nodded, palms sweating, stomach swirling with anxiety, failing to keep his scent from turning sour.

*************************************

Taking a deep breath, Jeff thought about knocking on the office door but realized that was a ridiculous formality and instead pushed the door open.

Alan looked over at him with a smile from his position seated next to Kit, "Hey, you need something?"

Jeff looked at him, then at Kit, which was a mistake as he was looking back at Jeff with a confident smirk. Almost losing his nerve as Kit leaned into Alan's side, Jeff asked, "Ummm, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alan nodded, unmoving and Jeff realized Alan thought he was going to just talk to him here, in front of Kit.

"Ummm, can you come out so we can talk privately?"

Suddenly, Alan's face lost its smile, turning to a concerned frown. "Sure," he answered, following Jeff out the door with no explanation or words spared on Kit. Jeff's heart held onto this small thing, a sign that he still mattered more to Alan than Kit did.

Alan grabbed Jeff by the hand, pulling him towards a quiet corner of the garage.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Well, yeah everything's okay. I mean, not really okay I guess. I just miss you and we haven't spent any time together so I was thinking maybe you'd want to go on a date with me. I know it seems silly right now when you are so busy but maybe you could find some time? For me?" Jeff had spoken so fast he wasn't sure Alan would even be able to understand what he'd said.

Pulling him into a hug, wrapping him tightly with his arms, and pushing his face into his chest, Alan answered, "It's not silly. I miss you too. I'll absolutely go on a date. Just let me know when and where. We can do whatever you want."

He kissed the top of Jeff's head as Jeff felt some of his worried thoughts settle and quiet.

Notes:

Next time, the date.

If you know me at all as a writer, you'll know there is definitely more angst in your future.

As always, thank you for reading.