Am I Really Enough?

Chapter 6

Beads of sweat dripped down his cheek, pooling along the edge of his shirt, as Jeff stared into the murky water below. Uncle Reval hadn't asked why Jeff and Charlie had shown up on his doorstep, just ushered them inside silently, letting them sit wordlessly on the porch staring at nothing in particular. Jeff looked continuously from the dark, vine-filled water to the looming tree, its white bark shining back in brilliance, lit by the porch light. Jeff couldn't help but notice the dichotomy, somehow reflecting back the differences between himself and Alan.

Reval had quickly gone, using the excuse of an urgent errand he had forgotten. But Charlie stayed, sitting with Jeff in silence, knowing that pushing Jeff to share would only cause him to retreat further inward. So they sat together, shirts beginning to cling to their backs, sipping the water Reval had given them before leaving.

Jeff wasn't sure how long they had been there before Charlie finally broke the oppressive silence.

"I let Babe know we are here but have only told the others you're somewhere safe with me. I told Babe to keep our location to himself for now. Everyone is worried but they also understand you want to be alone right now."

Jeff willed himself not to care but couldn't stop himself from asking, "Is anyone with Alan? I don't want him to be alone. He doesn't like being alone like I do."

"Babe and Way wanted to come with you but I told them to stay with Alan. I knew you'd want someone with him."

Jeff nodded before closing his eyes, tearing them from the tree whose luminance had begun pressing painfully on his chest.

Quieter than he was usually capable of, Charlie continued, "Can I give Babe and Way permission to talk with Alan about what's been bothering you? About Kit? About Alan not making you a priority?"

Jeff knew he should be the one there with Alan right now. Knew he should be the one to talk to Alan, but Jeff also knew there was so much more to say than everyone knew. So, maybe this would be a good start until Jeff found his words, which he knew he had to find soon.

Nodding, Jeff answered, "They can talk to him about Kit."

Waiting until Charlie's fingers stopped their furious texting, Jeff took a breath and started, "Charlie?"

"Hmmm?"

"This is really about more than just Kit. So much more."

Probably noticing Jeff's trembling hands and the sour scent that covered his usual one of a cool breeze across the salty sea, Charlie moved his chair, scraping loudly across the floor, to face Jeff. Taking his hands in his own, Charlie asked, "Do you want to tell me what else is going on?"

The sweat dripping down his neck began mixing with his tears as he silently wept. "I do. I really do. I've wanted to tell someone forever but I'm scared to. I'm scared because when I say it aloud it will seem real and not just a thought in my head. It'll be real and I won't be able to pretend anymore. Once the words are out I can't take them back."

"You can say anything to me Jeff, you know that, right? Just tell me and I promise we'll figure it out together like we always do."

After several moments of nothing but the sounds of Jeff's whimpers disturbing the silence, Charlie asked softly, "Did you have a vision?"

Jeff nodded and Charlie responded by wrapping him in a tight hug. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Between his sobs, Jeff disjointedly responded, "I saw Alan." ........ "Alan with Kit." ........ "Kissing." ........ "I saw them kissing."

Feeling a soft kiss on his forehead, Jeff knew he was now headed to the end and there was no stopping it.

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