DEATH JUNCTION

19

I had finished talking about the dream and Mr Andrew looked absolutely horrified while Pastor Chris had a knowing look drawn over his gentle features.

"Thank God that he intervened eventually." Pastor Chris finally said after the silence had become too prolonged.

"Now, " He looked between the two of us that were seated on the couch while he had opted for a stool. "How did it feel like when you were in Jesus' presence?"

I recalled the images that remained too vivid in my mind.

"It was... peaceful. I.. I didn't feel anxious, like I normally would. For some reason I felt so unworthy," I looked down at my callused hands.

Dirty.

Stupid.

Disgusting.

Tired.

Unlovable.

"That is completely understandable." He nodded in understanding " After we fell, we became sinners unworthy of God's love."

My chest burned and I cracked my knuckles to rid myself of the feeling that only intensified.

"We became susceptible to death, anxiety, grief and many other things that put a line between us and God. That is until Jesus came." He looked between the two of us again, as if studying us.

This was definitely not my territory. My mother had never mentioned God, neither had my grandparents. I learnt about him from the subject, CRS ( Christian Religious Studies) in my Junior secondary school. He had been a concept that I believed that people had just conceived, that there was nothing more to prove it.  But after that dream, I knew I could not deny that there was truly truth in what they had taught me. I knew that I wanted to experience that peace, that's what I wanted.

"Jesus died on the cross for you and me. He paid the price so that you and I may be saved and welcomed back into his family. Jesus had the option to not die, he could have as well given up on the night that he was about to be arrested but he saw that his sacrifice would help future generations, that it could save you." He stared at me intently and my fingers trembled, the heat in my chest becoming harder to extinguish.

What was happening to me?

My emotions began to take a turn as I fought to stifle the sob that wanted to rip out of my throat.

"Jesus subjected himself to death on the cross so that we would no longer have to carry the weight of anxiety or loneliness." He gestured to both of us as he said this and the image of a man nailed to a cross flashed in my mind. Blisters raked my arms at the thought.

"As said in his word, 'Come unto me ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.' True rest can never come from anything in this world, we are too broken to function in that so to compensate we focus on fulfilling the desires of our flesh. We distract ourselves with the pleasure of being liked, getting revenge and so on."

I remembered the words I had heard from Jesus as he gazed into me with eyes that held so much love that thinking of it made me crack.

Why would he love me?

There was nothing remotely good about me.

Doesn't he know that i have nothing to offer in return?

"Zara, yes you may be unworthy but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He was there waiting for you when your mother died,  he was there waiting for you when you would go up to your room after you had been beaten by your stepfather's mother. He was waiting for you in your tears."