When the Raindrops sang ~ a biography

The approval that never came

So, as I mentioned before I always had a very strained relationship with my parents and siblings when I was younger and this is because I thought my parents treated us so differently, actually I didn't think this I knew this and everyone around us could see this.

Somehow it never changed, it wasn't until my mum became pregnant with my second and youngest sister that I fell into a deep depression I was only 11 at the time and school wasn't going great things at home weren't great either.

School had become a nightmare and I was bullied quiet badly my English still wasn't great and of course I didn't fit in with anyone, I was a black sheep and I knew it. There were days where I could ignore the bullying but most times I was so upset and sad because I was such a sensitive soul, anyway the bullying got quiet badly to the point where it became physical and a group of boys even tried to take advantage of me sexually ( this was reported of course) but initially the school didn't want to take responsibility for what had happened. Eventually they did after being threatened by authorities, the boys were excluded from school for a week and this would go on their permanent record which I was very happy about, still this wasn't enough to punish them.

At home my dad was constantly cheating on my mum, even when she was pregnant, it was a constant ongoing thing, he also enjoyed slipping into my room quiet often in the middle of the night to get all touchy and deeply but no matter how much I tried fighting him I couldn't I was weak and small.

I was a child. I shouldn't have gone through what I did and be forced to act ok around my dad. This actually went on until I was 16 and is one of the main causes to my low mood, sleepless nights and struggle to trust and build bonds.

It was even more difficult when I would turn to my mother and all I wanted was her affection but of course that never came either. She would push me away say that she has her own problemas and would lash out at me most of the time. I was completely denied and neglected emotionally and that messed up with my head big time. I looked for different ways in which I could get my parents attention and most of the time it was by acting out in school like being a bully myself, hurting people physically and emotionally, lashing out etc etc. high school was just a big huge nightmare that I wanted for it to be over so badly.

I remember there were nights I spent crying hugging my pillows or under the duvets so nobody would see me doing it, I just wanted to be loved and appreciated but that never happened. I guess what hurts the most is the fact I would constantly ask my parents if they were proud of me and the answer was always no; this actually led to me trying to kill myself which was horrible. In my head everyone would be better off without me if everything I did and said was so bad or just me existing was that bad then I wanted to go away and my parents were the main reason.