Let Memories Unfold

Chapter 13

After an excruciating 20 minutes of discussing self harm and 'how he felt before he did it and when', the topic unfortunately steered around to the 'why' part, which Harry had dreaded. He didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to keep it locked up away forever, for only him to know.

He felt embarrassment squirm inside him, and he was nervous the Mind Healer would laugh at him for his ridiculous reasons he slashed into himself, but every time he looked at that impossibly calm face, he had to remind himself that wasn't what they did.

"So, Harry. Thank you for explaining to me the emotions you feel whilst doing this, it's fairly common and makes a lot of sense," Healer McKinnon smiled at him, "Could you explain to me perhaps why you resorted to these measures?"

Harry felt his face heat up, and he immediately docked the eye contact from her and looked down to his lap, struggling to find the words. As if sensing his resistance, which wasn't exactly hard, Healer McKinnon reassured him gently.

"I know it's difficult, but to help you we need to get to the bottom of this, to understand why you felt these emotions and how it caused you to react like so."

"Um... I, it's kind of difficult to explain, I guess." Harry said, unsure of how to even begin explaining his Occlumency lessons, let alone what went down in them.

"Take your time, I'm here to listen to you."

And so, with more deep breaths and scrounging around for any of the leftover Gryffindor confidence he had, Harry stumbled around the explanation of Occlumency and the lessons, and he very vaguely narrated what Snape had seen in the lessons and hoped it was enough. It wasn't, of course.

"So, Professor Snape saw into your childhood, and that distressed you?" Healer McKinnon asked, and Harry nodded minutely, "Could you try to explain how him seeing your childhood upset you? Was your younger years not a happy experience for you?"

Harry choked on any words that had been building up, and he immediately withdrew from the conversation. He could feel the ever so familiar wretch of panic dance it's way through him, and his breathing began to labour, he did not want to talk about this. Healer McKinnon caught onto the panic, though, and began dousing out soothing words and instructions.

"It's okay, Harry. Deep breaths. With me, 1,2,3,4 and let out. Repeat, 1,2,3,4 and let out, it's okay. Take your time, I understand this is difficult for you," McKinnon assured, and repeated the mantra.

After a few rounds, Harry could feel it subside, and if he was honest he was floored. He had wanted his knife desperately in those moments of fear and uneasy, but Healer McKinnon had helped it disappear with a few simple breathing techniques. Was it really so easy all along? Harry couldn't quite believe it.

"Okay, that's good. Well done, you were able to calm down without resorting to harmful measures. That's a step in the right direction," Healer McKinnon gently praised, "I can't assure you that's the case every time, because everyone is different. It's not a solution, but it's a method to help, and we'll work through more of those later on. You aren't alone in this, Harry."

Harry felt oddly reassured at her words, even though it had squashed his belief that 'breathing' would solve his panic issue, but Harry liked the honesty. He himself didn't believe it would fix him, but he didn't want to be lied to. It relaxed him a little, especially with the knowledge that there are more ways to help, other helpful strategies than just heaving himself through a session of numbers.

"Okay, er, I just don't like talking about my childhood, I guess." Harry mulled.

"I know, but we need to. It will help in the long run, bottling things up like you're doing only leads to explosions of emotions, and that sets you farther back. It's difficult, but it's necessary, and I know it may feel like it will, but it does help to talk about things that you're struggling with."