Star Wars Jedi: The Haunting

Chapter 12

Greez had cooked a nice dinner, but Cal Kestis had no appetite. After everything that had happened in the last few weeks, he just wasn't in the mood. His stomach was constantly churning and he felt sick – in more ways than one. Keeping so many secrets to himself was starting to take its toll on him, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He hoped that no-one else was noticing – after all, he didn't want to seem weak – but he wasn't overly optimistic. Kata had given him funny looks more than once

"Cal, is something wrong? You've hardly touched your food," said Greez.

Cal had to appear as normal as possible. He calmed himself before thinking about how he would answer Greez - he couldn't simply say nothing was wrong, but there was no way he could be 100% honest, either.

"Actually, Greez – my stomach feels a little strange," he said. "Don't worry, though," he said quickly as Greez looked offended, "it's not your fault at all. You cook good food. I think I might just be going down with something."

Without giving Greez time to respond, Cal excused himself from the table and walked towards the bathroom. He really couldn't eat right now. He felt like he was going to be sick.

He ran to the toilet and shut the door quickly behind him, bending over the toilet bowl, prepared, and ready for it to all come out.

Only it didn't.

Nothing came out of his mouth, and after waiting for a minute or two, he knew it wasn't going to happen.

He walked out of the bathroom, walked into his room, and sat on his bed to calm himself. The urge to throw up was gone now, replaced by a low, steady level of nausea – and a very painful headache.

He then heard a laugh and then Locker appeared.

"Oh, Cal," he said scathingly, shaking his head.

"What do you want?" Cal asked.

Locker laughed. "Why would I want anything from you?"

"You want to see me suffer," said Cal. "I know you do. You really want to see me in a bad state, don't you?"

Locker shook his head. "Being part of the Jedi Order for so long caused you a lot of emotional damage. And that emotional damage has caused you to act out. In some of the worst ways."

"You want to see me down-"

"Not anymore," said Locker, shaking his head. "As I've already told you, I don't feel antagonistic towards you anymore. You're too pathetic. I pity you, and I feel angry with you, but I don't feel antagonistic towards you."

"You wish bad on me. You literally said that you feel angry with me. Isn't that wishing bad on someone?"

"I don't wish bad on you," Locker said evenly. "You can feel angry with someone, yet still wish them well."

"I don't know why you're angry with me now – if anything, it's me who is entitled to feel angry with you. Why do you feel angry with me?," Cal asked, curiosity overtaking his anger.

"Look, Cal. I'm not stupid. I wasn't a Jedi but I know enough about the Order to know that they had their flaws."

"The Order says that you must not kill unless it is self-defense. The thing is, self-defense is subjective. Different Jedi have different ideas for what self-defense is. One guy would say, well he swung at me so I had to kill him, and another would say, he just looked at me in a funny way. I had to kill him to be safe. It is open to abuse. I understand that this is not healthy, and can leave young children with a very unhealthy moral compass."

"The Order also forbids attachments." The slightest look of anger came into Locker's eyes. "I think that this is one of their biggest flaws. Preventing young children from forming attachments – especially to a same-sex role model - has a variety of long-term consequences. The children will consequently acquire many behavioral problems and mental health issues, which can affect their ability to function in many roles, particularly roles that require responsibility, like parenting. The Order also expects you to bottle up or deny your emotions, which is hardly healthy. All of this leads to many emotionally stunted padawans, who eventually grow up, and become masters who are quick to ditch their padawans – they never became attached to them, so they simply move on if they die, just like that."