Moonlight Wishes ❦

the boys i've loved.exe

you never love the same way twice. 

you never find the same person again, even in that person.

the first boy i ever loved...  was my biggest headache and my favourite one at that.

something about that plaid smirk of his, or his amusing detachment made me feel like i was floating. he made my throat burn and heart flutter when he smiled, fire coursed through my veins when we talked and touched. when he walked into a room, my heart would take off like helicopter blades and i swore i could feel the wind in my hair.

he had mischief in his eyes and a smile i could not take my eyes off of, a heart made of platinum, so untouchable but oh, so desirable. he came, he saw and oh god he conquered. he had my heart. that was it, he had my goddamn heart, and he wasn't giving it back. something about his words and the sting of his jokes that left a mark in me. something about our hands almost touching, our eyes almost meeting. somethings, that's what he was made up of. dreamy little somethings.

not talking to him made me feel sad, like a little kid, and i'd hope that he would take the initiative. and if he did, i would float. all the damn day. high as a kite, a permanent smile on my face: life was never better, like a thousand sugar rushes all at once. high, high, high; on cloud nine.

then when he left, i shed so many tears that i lost count. my head would hurt and i'd pray to be healed. i thought it would never end because all i wanted was to reach out to him. endlessly, endlessly i would be lost in a sea of my thoughts, wondering how it would've been if we were together. every single day, i ached for him. for years. 

and then, i stopped. i stopped out of nowhere, and i don't know how. but he stopped popping up into my head. moving to newer cities, i suppose, helped a bit. but i still wish him the best.

[end of tape 1.exe]

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the second boy i ever loved was my best friend.

a force of nature, that boy. nimble eyes and quiet words but he was the calm my storm needed at the time. he was the one i opened up my heart to, in a lot of ways i found that it was him that had occupied it all that time.

oh, was he a poem, someone i tangled myself with so intricately that parts of me calmed down simply by his presence. had my heart been sprained, he was the one that twisted it back into place. had my head been clouded, he'd make sure it rained just enough to make the skies in my mind clear again. my favorite thing that summer, my drug, was his voice. oh, i pray still that i never forget how it warmed my entire self and massaged the corners of myself i'd deemed unlovable.

my days felt incomplete without talking to him, a dull ache that never went away, he was the healer to wounds he'd never even caused; yet i found myself praying skywards that he remains happy. i think i learnt what selflessness in love meant with him. and suddenly, we weren't compatible. violent clashes that they were, thunderstorms and dead roses in the middle of the night.

and i knew, i knew i needed my sunshine back, and i knew the rain would always come if i was with him.

so i left when i didn't want to. i lost myself for a while; i cried every day, i was paralyzed for weeks. i knew i'd heal this time, but then i wasn't sure if i wanted to. he was my lover, but moreover, my best friend but most importantly my teacher. he taught me what friendship in love was. i'll always wish him the best. thank God for him.

and i moved on. with heartache. with tears. with heaviness. 

i moved the fuck on and dared to love myself the most. and I did. and I still do. and i think i'll love myself for a little while more now.

[end of tape 2.exe]

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a/n: it is a cruel summer indeed... oh well, i guess (: