The anatomy of a champion • I •

10.

Life is a series of moments that change in the blink of an eye, some pleasant some less pleasant, you never know the normal course of things or you live with the impression that society provides you one, that you finish college, find a job and then a boyfriend, you will eventually get married, have children and then retire, and they want us to believe that this is normal pattern and will bring us happiness. When my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said without hesitation, doctor, and look at me here, now, trying to prove the opposite to the society, trying to find that perfect balance between life in the hospital and don't get me wrong it's exactly what I wanted, I love the smell of the hospital hallway, the noises of the monitoring devices, the click that the ampoules make when you break them to draw the medication into the syringe, the non-stop alarms when you're on call, with my personal life, with the relationship I've had with Aron for 3 years.

Fast forward over the years, me and Diana kept our friendship just like in the old days, although life took us on totally different paths, as expected. Diana got married a year ago to Alex, who, yes, turned out to be her chosen one and they seem to be as much in love as they were in the first months. I was happy that my friend had found the love of her life. It was not on her plans to have a baby though, she worked in a fairly large corporation and many responsibilities fell on her shoulders, and a child would have been like the last book you put on a shaky shelf, thus causing it to fall. Instead, they adopted a puppy that somehow filled that gap and they were both happy with this decision.

As for me...my life turned out to be the way I wanted it to be. I was a cardiologist at a prestigious hospital in our city and even got involved in a relationship, maybe not 100% emotionally, medicine remaining my main love, but it has been already 3 years since me and Aron were a couple. Maybe the fact that we both had very busy lives kept this relationship afloat. Aron was an professional ice hockey player and he was also away for quite a while with his team, like i was spending around 10 hours in the hospital. We didn't have an extraordinary relationship like Diana's with Alex, but I was content, I was somehow reconciled that this is my faith. We've met at the ice rink during a meet and greet with the players and after a few flirtous looks and words, we've exchanged phone numbers and the rest is history. A couple of dates and soon after we've moved in together.

We shared a three bedroom apartment in the city, but I always wanted a house somewhere on the outskirts of the city, so we bought one with a small backyard. Like Diana I never thought that I wanted a baby but then surprised myself smiling when seing one. In a moment of great impulse and watching my reactions at the sight of a child, Aron came with the idea of making a baby of our own. And I...unconsciously responded affirmatively to his initiative.

Little did we know, that first of all a child will never be the bond to unite a relationship and it is totally wrong to start with this "project". A child should not be brought into an unstable relationship in which both partners are not totally involved in each other, who may not even love each other. On the other hand is the trying to concieve part. Too few people talk about it and since forever, you live with the impression or being taught that from your first period you can get pregnant very easily. But months passed and the pregnancy did not appear, thus making me to turn to the safest option, to medicine. I went on consultations with infertility specialists and after some blood work done and scans, it turned out that i have some fertility issue and it will be challenging to concieve naturally. I was horrified, thinking that I was almost 30 years old and facing such problems already. After some time to diggest the issue i made the decision to inject myself with hormones in order to help my body. A positive outcome reached out the surface, I got pregnant but unfortunately ended up in an early miscarriage.

After that event, I entered a trance in which the hospital was my safety space, spending almost every night at work, slowly distancing myself from the people close to me, including my partner. My place was in the hospital, is something i ve told myself ever since I've graduated.

Of course that this distancing of mine eventully came with a price. After a short time, Aron felt at the end of his patience and told me that it would probably be better for us to separate. It was obvious that we were not happy. It was a mature parting, we sat at the table and talked and at the end hugged cordially. We agreed that i should keep the house and he ll keep the apartament in the city.

Coffee, cigarettes and pills were my best friends. Not neccesarly analgesics or painkillers, but some pills to help me stay more focus to do my job like a robot. I was basically living inside the hospital to not waste time on the way home and back. I have fallen into a slump that i wasn't even aware. The pain inside was grinding me little by little and some of the effects could even been seen on my apperance.
Fortunately, my performances at the hospital were not affected by the fact that I was neglacting myself in a deplorable way. I had a void filled with emptyness and the state of happiness was like dust in the wind. Well, i can't even recall when it the last time i was indeed happy.