Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 70

"why can't you let me read it?"

because I am scared that if you read all of this you will leave me, or hate me or be angry with me. My main fear is the first one.

All but a few of these chapters have been written at the lowest point of my life. Those times when I felt the need to write. Those times where I had to reach out to someone but I feel like too much of a burden to be reaching out night after night. When I was depressed and confused. Or I was enraged, angry and in pain. Or I was complaining...about you.

I do not want to be the woman that complains about her husband behind his back. I don't want to be that way. So I complain here to let off steam. I take out all my anger, rage and aggression out here where I can't hurt anyone.

I did it when I was still angry at an ex-best friend, when I was angry at my parents and when I was mad at you. 

I take great care not to be mad at you for things that aren't your fault. I know what it's like to be around angry people. They take their anger out on you when they are really angry at everyone else.

I also make sure that you never get my anger when it is still fresh. I make sure that I am a rational human being when I am mad.

I've hurt so many people in my life. I have lost friends and damaged those relationships.

I don't want to hurt you.

I am scared that I won't be able to forgive myself if I hurt you. I'm scared you won't love me if I hurt you. I am terrified that I am going to lose the best part of my life because I am still the same monster that I was in middle school.

so much of my life is defined by fear. That's why I'm not in Griffindor. I am terrified of snakes, anger, being abandoned, being hurt (physically and emotionally), hurting other people, being laughed at or belittled and a lot of other things.

I am scared to get drunk or come out of anesthesia. I don't want to say something I do not mean. My biggest fear with that is going to be me wondering aloud if I love you. I don't feel it how everybody else says they feel it. I don't express it how you express it. I get scared that this isn't real and I'm just holding onto some dream I made up. I know that's hurtful. I would be in pain if I heard that.

I am also scared that you are going to make fun of some of the things that I have said here. I was depressed and those things you are going to poke at are probably not true anymore.

I can write without fear here. No fear that I am going to be yelled at, gaslit, or belittled. But I could also have the space to work through my issues. I could scream at a page and if someone wanted to listen they could.

I am scared to be vulnerable like this. 1. because I'm scared you will leave because I caused you pain or because dealing with me is exhausting and 2. because I do not want to be hurt again by someone this close to me. I know it's bound to happen (I expect it) and I am ready to deal with that, but my self defense mechanism is still in place.

I once told my pastor that I have to implode because if I explode I am going to hit somebody with the pieces.

"or they might catch them," he replied.

I don't trust that. I always hurt someone. You once told me I could never hurt you (you were drunk). On the contrary I am the one who can hurt you the most.

You have never been hurt by what I've said before but that could change in a heartbeat.

So why do I not want to show you this?

I do not want to hurt you

I do not want to lose you

I am embarrassed

The first is for selfish and non selfish reasons. I don't want to be hurt by another hurt, angry person lashing out at me and you don't deserve to be hurt again. I don't want to break you.

the second is purely selfish and shows just how low my self worth is at. I do not want to lose the best part of my life.

The third is also for selfish reasons and also shows you where my self worth is at. I am embarrassed to still be dealing with the same issues. I am ashamed that I seem to have so many issues not just with you but with myself. I feel guilty that you are doing fine and I am not, so I don't bring up any problems I am having. I am ashamed of the fact that I was angry at times for no reason. I am embarrassed at being broken, relapsing and needing help. I am ashamed of myself.

That's why.