Chatbox thoughts

Hello

Hello! welcome to my mind. this is where I am gonna type out what I feel so I stop using my friend as a therapist.

sorry, Iris.

But a few things you should know before we get started with introductions. First, I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not switch between alternate personalities at all. I just use terms used by people with DID to help myself sometimes. Think along the lines of Inside Out. I don't have a disorder I just use different "characters" in order to understand myself.

Second thing you should know is that I am kinda ok. I am not highly traumatized...I think. I grew up in a healthy environment and I am very thankful that my situation isn't worse. But it can get hard to express my thoughts in my house. So that's why I'm here.

Lastly, you should know my characters. There is the collective me, which I call E and then there are the rest of my brain cells. They are Me, Susan, Panic, Smarts, Amore, V, and Brandon. (to be clear here E and Me are two different characters.) So just know that when I refer to a "we" I mean my collective self (or E).

I would like to introduce my head to you and the things I know about them so far.

First is Me. I don't know much about her but she's there, I guess. She is the one who makes all the decisions (a.k.a. she drives). She is level-headed and doesn't react to extremely bad situations. She is neutral...I think. When I refer to her she will be called Me (with a capital M). She thinks, decides, and acts. That's her job.

Next is Susan. Susan is a pessimist (or as she would say, realist). She sees the world as it is, a disappointment. She is sarcastic and she pokes fun at people. Not to be mean but she doesn't know how to do anything else. She isn't usually critical of myself unless we are trying to get better at something. She likes to judge other people and she likes to drive. Normally she is a co-pilot. Whenever she drives I have regretted things afterward. She is also the one who has it together. She is the one-man army. She defends the others inside and outside my head. She attacks as a means of defense too. She doesn't like my body to much, she thinks we can do better. She is cold and uncaring because she has to be. Because otherwise we would get walked all over. She is where my pride comes from.

Next, we have Panic. He's an ass. Most people know him by the name of Fear. I know him as Panic. He likes to scream. He is very loud and is where intrusive thoughts and fears come from. He does not like to do anything. For him, it's like trying to get into a cold pool you have ease into it and try it before it's an ok thing to do. Susan can ignore Panic most of the time because she doesn't do anything that he doesn't like. Me is a different story. She listens to him a lot. The good things about of him are that he makes me plan things out to the fullest extent with any crazy plan and he takes care to guard V. He hates hurting. He knows V's the reason we feel this way so he hides her. He won't tell someone if we're hurting emotionally or mentally because he is scared we will be hurt more. Lately, he's calmed down and we've done things that were scary. Also, I have a phobia of snakes. It is not attached to him specifically but if there is a snake we were unprepared for he drives. All of the characters freeze up and then Me has to jumpstart herself because we are all in a state of shock at seeing a snake. But he doesn't drive (except upon seeing a surprise snake, which is ok). However, he backseat drives very loudly.

Next is Smarts. Smarts controls all the knowledge we have. He likes math, mostly, and loves to be seen as smart. He doesn't like to drive. Panic sits next to him because whenever Smarts tries to drive he either gets shut down by an outside force or proven wrong. So he is very quiet and reserved unless he's with people we trust.

Then there's Amore. I named her that because it means love in Latin. So she controls everything I love. From dancing to potential crushes to talking to people we like. She comes up with all of my dream realms (with the influence of the others for flavor). She is what many would call Joy. She is lovely and cares about people and can ignore Panic if it means that we get to make our friends happy or if we are there to support them. She is the main part of my life. She likes all different types of music and dance, she appreciates food and colors (even black) and likes skulls and movies. She likes people and ideas and weird things. She used to listen to Panic. She's gotten better at ignoring him. Sometimes she just acknowledges and moves on. She is very accepting of others too.

V is next. I just met her this morning. She is the person Susan protects. She is sadness and anger and she is where my emotions rest. I don't know much about her. She is Vulnerable. She is where the trauma was absorbed. She knows the world isn't about her and so Panic keeps her tucked away to prevent her from being exposed. She stays in her box where no one can reach her. Sometimes she lets people partially in but never fully. She, just like the others, also participates in the dream realities. Sometimes she is affected by Big Red (hormones...maybe from my period). But I never know if it's Big Red or if it's V.

Brandon is my last brain cell. I lost his function a couple days ago. I forgot what he does. I think he might be my wierdness...I think he is a combination of Amore and V so really he is the fun side of me that I am with my friends. He does not drive often but he talks a LOT.

Anyways, that'st what I know so far. Thanks for sticking around.

-E