Domino Effect

Jaysika

New Jersey

"Carmen Joly goes on tour with LaLa Vegas and Diago"

"Carmen Joly and LaLa Vegas hit the stage tonight with Diago"

"Diago's concert [Sold Out] was a success last night; performing with him was Carmen Joly and LaLa Vegas"

I snort at the last headline. Mom is going to love that one. She works so hard, all these years, to be this big star, but it seems like she will forever share her stage/spotlight. Instead of working with Daddy, to help boost her career further, she insists that she can do it all on her own. It's admirable sure, but he is her freaking husband. They love making all these 'relationship goals' posts and presenting a united front to the tabloids, but it's honestly shocking how the fans don't see if for what it is. 

Dear old Mama and Papa, the famous Carmen and Henri Joly, aren't as perfect and in love as they pretend to be to the world. I love them both dearly, but I hate them together. I don't know why they even bother. She is hardly home, always chasing some tour or some opportunity for her career, while he keeps himself busy at the Joly Records studio. 

I know that they do love each other, they do, but their it's more like a partnership where both parties are physically attracted to one another. When they are home, they seem to have fun with each other and flirt a lot. I always think to myself, if only they could behave like that always. I'm not sure if it is because of fame, or maybe they were always like that, but I have heard and seen things that make me believe--in fact, I KNOW--they both cheat on each other.

Mama is a performer so I don't pay too much attention to what happens with her and others while on stage, but off the stage? I know I am not the only one that notices Kevin White following her around like a damn puppy dog. It's embarrassing. The way he looks at my mom is the way I imagine Papa did at one point. His presence and behavior is shameful, making my dad look like a fool. Not that Papa and his admirers are any better. Notice that it is plural.

Right now, he spends quality time with Tiffany, who goes by Tandy. At first glance,  she is nothing more than a new artist he is working with, helping her reach a level of stardom he wants me to reach. Something I probably could reach if I put any real effort into it. However, I am not blind. I see the lust in their eyes, their inside jokes, and all the touching that lingers too long. Before her, there was Saundra, who was a backup singer for another artist. The time before that was another artist that featured on a song with Diago--who happens to be Papa's first signed rapper. I don't remember the girl's name, nor any of the ones before her, but I remember being in denial back then. That denial ended when I walked in on him and Saundra going at it. 

Since then, he and my mom sat me down to explain their love for one another, how important it is that everyone sees that, and what they do while apart does not take away from their love. I call bullshit. If that is love, then I don't want it. That day, is the day that I knew I am not ready for a relationship, not now and maybe not ever. 

Of course, Papa didn't get the memo, no matter the many times I told him. He got it in his head that his partner's son, Simon, is meant for me and now he and Sidney, his partner and best friend, won't let it go. I'll never it admit it to any of them, but I have always crushed on Simon since as long as I can remember. He and I get along great, but I don't want to end up like my parents. It seems to me that both of my parents got together too soon. Maybe if they took the time to explore their sexuality before entering into a seemingly monogamous relationship, then maybe they wouldn't have become such hypocrites in the name of love and appearances.

So, I will learn from their mistakes. I won't settle down. I will take my time exploring my own sexuality. Papa can be pretty persistent, which is why I pick my battles, and in this I will not change my mind anytime soon. However, when it comes to my career path, Papa knows I have a good voice, so he wants me to pursue a career as a solo singer. Personally, singing is fine and all, but I don't enjoy the spotlight that will surely follow. I already have enough paparazzi because of who my parents are, yet that's not the reason I don't want to sing professionally. I probably will have to do it at some point, thanks to Papa and his desire to create a prodigy, so I convinced him to allow me to go to school for music. What he doesn't realize is that I love to dance, everything about it, so most of my classes revolve around that, but I do take a few classes that focus on song writing, vocal training, and production. It's not my cup of tea, though I can appreciate what each class has to offer. 

I love learning new skills and being challenged, which is how I approach each class. Today is no different. Papa has never asked me to help him before, so when he calls me this morning with a special request that involves me learning how to work his special equipment, I didn't think twice. Papa is very particular about his studio. No one is allowed to touch anything within his workstation, yet today I will be invited in and he wants my input. Not sure why or what caused this sudden change, but who cares? I'll take it.

I got here early, so I have been scrolling on my phone, waiting for him to get in. I click on a short video that shows Mama performing alongside Diago. They don't have an actual song together, but they have a routine that works for them, where they help each other perform certain songs. It creates an excitement within the crowd and it sounds really good. I am a little surprised since I know my mom doesn't care for Diago. She says it is because of his attitude and entitlement, but I know better. He is Papa's signed artist, who he made into a star, and she hates the reminder. I suppose I get that same stubbornness from her. 

I want my success in life to come from my own merit. I love my dad but once you give him inch, he will multiply that inch, filling every nook and cranny of your life. He is terrible when it comes down to giving you space. I love his determination and admire the hell out of him for it, but it is not something I want directed at me. Not without the proper defense. I imagine that is how my mom feels. Right now, she has autonomy and the freedom to do what she likes when it comes down to her career. My dad could make her an even bigger star, but at what cost?

"Hey, baby. Trying to make me look bad already?" Papa's voice has me smiling, especially paired with his teasing, until I lift my eyes from my phone and see who is standing next to him. Damn it.

Simon, leaning against the wall, arms folded, in nothing but a t-shirt and grey sweatpants, is already looking at me. How long has he been standing there? He gives me a little nod, noting my not-so-happy reaction to his presence.

I turn my gaze back towards my dad. "I could never make you look bad, Papa." I flash him a big smile to show him I mean it, which I do. My dad is one of the best. He works hard and he plays just as hard. "I just got here early to bring us breakfast." I not to the two containers. Two because it was supposed to be only Papa and I this morning. "I only brought something for me and you, since I had no idea Simon was coming." I decide to just go for it, point out the elephant in the room, if you will. 

I'm a little hurt at the thought that he intends to share this experience with Simon. Sometimes, I feel like he prefers him over me. Simon has always been like the son he never had. I am his only child and obviously was born a girl. He never said anything to make me feel like he resents me or wishes I was born a boy, but I see how he looks at Simon. Lately, I just feel like a disappointment. 

Maybe I am too much like my Mama. Depending on what he says now, I think maybe I should just call it a day. I'm not a quitter, not usually, but I am tired of putting my feelings on the sidelines to spare everyone else's. 

So, I go ahead and ask him what I need to know. "Why is he here?"