Meenakshi

C 25: Mother's Misery

It had been three days since Meenakshi was injured. She was on the bed, her face pale as a ghost, the body rigidly postured and the big ugly wound on her stomach. She showed no signs of healing and no signs of waking up. Meenakshi's parents were informed of her fate and only her father and brother showed up. Aditya was confused with her family's behavior. His brother had walked behind her father and stood behind him as he looked at her. His face showed his pain, but he made no effort to hold her or sit close to her. He seemed to be at a loss of emotions as he saw her in such a state. Upon insistence from her father, her brother went closer to his sister and silently stood by her. His face was hung low and his palms interlocked in front of his body. He stood silently as his father spoke to Vaidh ji about her update. Aditya was not pleased when both the father-son duo left after spending time around her. Her father had informed him that they would be back tomorrow to see her again.

The only person who stayed back with her, held her hand and cried her heart out was Chitrama. She was inconsolable as soon as she saw Meenakshi. She begged and cried asking her to wake up, calling her, telling her that Chitrama had come for her and was dying to see her. Aditya and everyone around could easily figure out that the woman was definitely not her mother, not the queen of Vidhyanagara. Aditya wondered what happened to her mother, but he chose to remain silent.

Chitrama's sobs died as the day ended. She would still hiccup occasionally but she managed to get a hold on herself. She had helped the Vaidh ji in feeding, dressing and helping Meenakshi. She would then sit by Meenakshi's side, holding her hand in hers and softly speak to her about her day. Aditya never interfered between them, but silently heard her low voice. He had doubts, doubts about her origin, about her dual character, about her life, about her. He didn't know whom to ask.

Asking her father was out of question, as he was her father, miserable as him. His brother seemed distant as if he had no clue of what was happening and Chitrama was inconsolable. Aditya could only wait while his patience wore thin, but be helpless with whatever was happening around him.

"How–how is she?" Meenakshi's mother Anjana Devi asked her husband. Meenakshi's father had just returned from the tent on the battlegrounds where they were treating her. His wife's question took him off-guard. He chuckled humorlessly.

"She? Where is this sudden concern appearing?" He spat, not caring how harsh words are. She silently shook her head and asked again.

"Will she be fine?" Her heart was beating hard and fast. She couldn't shake off the feeling, from her mind, that something was wrong.

"What do you want now?" He asked, rubbing his face with his palms, feeling exhausted by the chain of events.

"I want my daughter." She replied meekly. "I want her forgiveness."

"Now? What was the change of heart?" He snapped. "None of us deserve her nor her forgiveness. Forget her like you have always done."

"Forget?" Anjana's voice rose in the end. "Forget her?" She asked again. Harshavardhan was taken off-guard by her tone. He had never seen her shout or raise her voice at him, but now she didn't appear to be the same woman who was his wife. She was trembling with anger and rage. "I was foolish once. I was so stupid and naïve about thinking about myself that I couldn't look past you. And that is why today, I am suffering so miserably." Her gaze met her husband's questioning sight and she sighed. Walking to the couch, she sat on the end of it with a thud, as tears of pent up regret, agony and helplessness flowed through her eyes constantly. "I accept the fact that I pushed my daughter away for my own selfish reasons, but that can never change the fact that she is my daughter. She is a part of me and she will always be a part of me. Nothing can change that." Raja Harshavardhan was shocked to see his wife in such a devastated state. "When I married you, I was just eighteen. I didn't know anything except for the one thing that was fed to me. Keep your husband happy. That was what I was taught right from the moment I was groomed to be a woman, a wife and a princess. I didn't know the ways of the world nor did I know the realities of life." A shiver ran down her spine as she closed her eyes tightly reminiscing the days she lived. "I still remember your expression when I got pregnant. It was seven months after our marriage. You looked at me as if you were the luckiest man on the planet to become a father. Your happiness was so contagious that it made up for all of the aloof behavior I had to bear since I got married. You were so excited and happy that any small time you had outside your work, you spent it with me. Here. In our room. You would feed me with your own hands, take care of me, fuss about every small thing related to me, get excited about every small moment in my belly, give me foot massages, every single fucking thing. The girl in me mistook it for love. I loved your attention, your pampering, your concerns, your affection. I finally had a loving husband." She chuckled mirthlessly wiping her tears. "Nine months later when she was born, all that excitement and happiness from your face was sucked away on seeing her. I could see it in your face and understand that you were disappointed. Disappointed in her that she was a girl and disappointed in me for giving birth to a girl. I didn't understand why. You wanted a child, I thought you would be happy, but you weren't. At first I didn't understand your indifference. I thought it was because I had to stay away from you or because you couldn't spend time with us. I had to be isolated in order to heal and I felt things would fall in place. But they never did. It took me two months to realize that you were not happy having a daughter. You rarely came to these chambers and even if you stayed, you would immediately leave if you heard her cry. At first I didn't know what to do. I even tried talking to you, but nothing worked. And then I began blaming her for everything." She chuckled, her pain evident in every word she spoke. It felt too difficult for her to speak or even think of those days. She wondered how that innocent daughter of hers felt. She was just a few weeks old and all she had was her mother. "I was selfish and I wanted your time and attention back. I realized Meenakshi was the cause of your anger and indifference. I didn't know how, I didn't know why, I didn't know when I began distancing myself from my own daughter. I remember how Chitra would beg me, request me to console the crying baby and I would do it with so much hate and distastefulness. I would only feed her and give her back to Chitra to take care of her. I can still hear my daughter's wails in my ears even today as she would cry for me, but I would not take her back at all. Whenever I would give in due to my motherly instincts, I would instantly regret being a bad wife. My mind would be clouded with thoughts on how I could not share your feelings about her. You stayed back for longer hours and that's when I felt I wasn't wrong even though my heart denied it. When Meenakshi was six months old and was old enough to feed on solids, I had completely stopped seeing her. Chitra would still come to me, requesting me to feed her, see her or even hold her, but the stubborn woman in me would always refuse. And one day it all stopped. She never came back to me to talk about Meenakshi and I freed her up from all of the other maid duties. I found our relationship progressing. You began talking to me, touching me, answering me and coming back to sleep in the same bed with me. I felt happy."

Raja Harshavardhan could feel his cheeks being wet with tears. He knew he had missed out a lot on his daughter's life, but he never knew that his innocent daughter had faced so much, when she had just come into this world. He didn't know that his wife had harbored such thoughts and feelings for him. For him she was always his wife. Nothing more. Now he knew that he had been equally responsible for his wife's misery too.

"Prithvi was born three years later, but throughout the second pregnancy I could see your fears. I still remember how hard I prayed daily, to be blessed with a son so that you won't be disappointed again. Seemed that God was kind enough to bless me with a son and your face told me that my prayers were heard. It took me ten years, ten fucking years to understood your dislike towards Meenakshi. The reason behind her being your disappointment. I could even see regret in your eyes for mistreating her, but I knew it was too late." She spoke again, breaking Harshavardhan's chain of thoughts. "Too late for me to hate you. Too late for me to apologize to her, too late to repent. You wanted her to be a son so that you could satisfy your ego. Ego that you are no less than Raja Chandra Verma. Ego that you were an equal to him in every aspect." Harshavardhan gasped at his wife's conclusion. All that she said was true, but he did not expect her to be aware of it. He was ashamed of his own thoughts and deeds, but today, realizing that his wife knew this made his head bow in shame.

"It was then I realized that I was a pathetic mother. She only had a naming ceremony and I only knew that her name is Meenakshi. She did not have an annaprashan ceremony. Her first birthday was not celebrated. She was forgotten. I couldn't help but run to see my daughter, hug her and cry my heart out, asking for her forgiveness. When I reached the chambers she lived in, my heart bled. She was living in Chitra's room as her daughter. She did not have any luxuries that a princess would have. Her clothes were plain and simple. She had no ornaments with her. She did not sleep on a mattress and silk sheets, instead she slept on a bed made with old cotton sheets. She did not have a separate bath and commode, but it was all in the same place. No one knew that she was my daughter, daughter of the king, a princess. After all of this I realized, she wasn't in the palace. She had left the palace to be trained. Realization had stung me with such a force that I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of falling in love with a man like you. Ashamed of my own existence." Anjana was sobbing miserably. She couldn't control herself anymore.

"I wasn't there when she ate her first food, knowing her likes and dislikes. I wasn't there when she spoke her first word, listening to her sweet voice. I wasn't there to tell her stories of charming princes and kings to put her to sleep. I wasn't there to braid her hair for the first time. I wasn't there to dress her up like a doll she was, I wasn't there when she had her first period and offer her advice and comfort her in pain, I wasn't there to see my daughter grow up at all. I was a miserable mother and I denied my sweet angel everything she deserved. She was the first person who never judged me, never asked for anything but gave me love. She was the one who gave me the biggest gift of my life, motherhood, something no one ever could. Yet I wronged her in every possible way, snatching away her beautiful life with my own hands. And today, she is suffering because of me." Raja Harshavardhan sobbed miserably as she clutched his collar and wept. That night everyone was in a torment, tormented for the soul that rested in each of them.

Tormented for Meenakshi.

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MEENAKSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.....................

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