Desired, but never loved.

Chapter 5

I am attempting to hold back my tears. I thought this year- This freaking year I wouldn't cry on my birthday. I hoped that this birthday would be a good one. I dislike giving myself the hope that perhaps starting from this birthday, I would enjoy every birthday. I have always hated my birthday. Since the age of 8, I have questioned why I exist in this cruel world.

He shattered me and tainted my birthday forever. He was 16 and it was my 11th birthday. He was my neighbor. I always used to play with his sister of my same age. I went there to play with her as my mom and her friends were preparing for my birthday. There were her cousin and him. -We decided to play hide and seek. He called me in to hide in his room. I went there. He closed the door. The room was dark. Not even a light from the window. He pushed me in the bed. He forced me to kiss him. Touch me everywhere. When I resist he slapped me. He grab both of my hands and kissed me on my neck. He touch-

"Ashrah" Navya jerked me from the flashback. She hugged me. "It's okay. Don't think about that. Don't think about that day." I was crying. I was about to have a breakdown where everyone's outside. Navya passed me my medicine. And watch me take it. "Don't let him ruin every part of you when you're moving on."

It's hard to forget your past when it's written all over your body. I hate getting flashbacks from things I don't want to remember. After all my attempts, I survived the war now I live with the traumas. These scars remind me that I survived everything meant to destroy me.

"You can't start the next chapter when you keep re-reading the last one, Ash." If only she could read my mind, she'd know how hard I tried. How do I explain to her that I don't want to die but existing is just a little too hard for me right now? I'm fighting shit in my head every day that nobody knows about. I'm not the same anymore. I'll admit.

"Ash, What's up? You look-" Horrible? I know. Irisha hugs me, even though she knows I don't usually like hugs. Navya and Irisha know how hard things are for me every day. They see me feeling worse and worse. But they still try to make me feel better with their hugs.

"Don't cry. You'll find someone better." She assumes I'm crying because Erva didn't answer my calls. The lack of interest I have in everyone and everything nowadays is insane. I have no more fight in me when it comes to relationship and even friendships. If you want to go, just go.

"Maybe- last time, Ash. You should try calling her." Navya insist. Nope I have done enough. I am not doing it again and again. Yes I was desperate but not that desperate to call her every freaking hour just she could attend my birthday which I never wanted to celebrate.

My phone rings up with the tune of bad guy of Billie Eilish. Oh Erva called me. She called me. She finally called me. What do I do? Should I pick up? No After waiting for whole day? I am not picking it up. I am done. I let it ring.

"Ass, Pick up." Navya picks it up. and put it my ear. "Talk."

"Hey! you good?" I said with a shaky voice.

"Yeah. Happy Birthday." she said. "Thank you."

"I am so sorry I didn't reply your calls and messages. I came back home very late. I was completely wasted and my phone was switched off. And I am having very bad hangover."

"Oh. So are you not coming?" Selfish. I sound so selfish. Stop you cannot ask her that when she's not feeling good.

"I am coming. Can you send me the location?" She's coming. She said she's coming. Holly Molly she's coming.

~

I walk to the gate and opened it. There's she is. Oh what happened to her face? It's hard to notice but her eyes are little bit red, Puffy eyes, Dark circles more like a bruise on her right eye. If she was not wearing her glasses it would have been visible to everyone.