Desired, but never loved.

Chapter 9

The affirmation "I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself no matter what it takes" has been the motivating mantra I've been trying to apply to my life for the past three years. But will anyone ever understand how much chaos it took to become this calm? They need to understand how reckless I was.... to truly appreciate how chill I am now.

I have tried hard to move on from that incident, but it's difficult. I'm going to take my time, no matter how many attempts it takes. I am going to become the ruler of the hell he created. What am I even thinking? I really need to get my life together, or else I will lose everything. I will lose the attempts I have survived.

It took a month for us to meet. Erva's behavior changed; it's completely different now. Maybe it's because of that day—the day that changed both of us. We confessed to each other that day. We admitted we liked each other. I told her I liked her. But—

But the very next day, she told me she and Shraddha had sex. She even described how good Shraddha was. I was disgusted. I never imagined this would happen to me. I never thought confessing my feelings to someone would lead to this. I've been ignoring all the red flags she's been showing. She even sent me a video of her and Shraddha on a scooter, saying, "Meet your sister-in-law." Wow, Ash. You're falling for someone who is going to shatter every piece of your heart that took years to fix.

How can I trust someone? How can I really express everything I'm going through again? I don't know if I should let myself fall in love with her, knowing she could never be mine. I've even started praying to God to make her mine. We had a pretty intense argument after that confession day. She said, "I am giving her mixed signals." Maybe she should look at how she's treating me before complaining about others. I bet she's babbling to her ex about how I'm playing with her heart. But how you treat someone is more important than how much you like them.

We are meeting again today. We met yesterday, and I have a day off from school, but I need to go to submit the form for board exams. All my friends will be there, but of course, I'm going to ditch all of them just to go and meet Erva.

~

"Hey, can I bring Shraddha along? She has some errands to run in that area."

My hands are literally shaking reading that text. I'm leaving in 20 minutes, and now this! What should I do? Should I just say no and use an excuse, like 'dad didn't let me go'? If only Navya hadn't gone to school—she would have helped me out. This is so stressful. I've left the message on 'seen' for over 3 minutes now, and she's online, waiting for my reply.

Should I meet Shraddha?

~

So, this is Shraddha. Blue skinny jeans, black heeled boots, and a black tight t-shirt paired with a denim jacket. Now I understand why Erva has this kind of dressing sense. I'm not trying to body shame, but that outfit doesn't suit her. I don't want to be rude, but it feels like she's eaten all of Erva's food. Compared to her, I don't feel like I weigh too much anymore. I used to think that being 52 kg at 5 ft was overweight until I met her. Why is Erva even with her? I am far better, right? God, I can't even compare myself to that woman.

I brought my friend Kaira for support, but now I feel I didn't need to. Erva's taste sucks.

I don't understand one thing: are they trying to make me jealous? Because looking at them makes me want to gag, especially seeing Shraddha trying to hold Erva's hand, like she's trying to mark her territory. If she's that insecure about her ex, she can keep her.

Every conversation is awkward. Erva has gone out for her third smoke break, leaving the café. Kaira went to the bathroom, leaving me and Shraddha alone. I can't stand that ugly bitch's smirk. I know something unpleasant is going to come out of her mouth.

"So, how's everything going with Erva?" she asked. I know she's just trying to make me feel low, but I don't see it as a threat. I smile.

"Oh, lovely. Erva's very great. A total gentleman. I've met a lot of guys, but she's different. Makes me feel loved." I saw the jealousy she tried to hide behind her smile. I know she's boiling inside. You know what your insecurities are not my responsibility. And I'm the jealous type. You wanna know why? Because we started off as "Just Friends" too. I shouldn't be jealous, you aren't even mine, Erva. I know I fucked up. I know I fell in love. Fuck I am in love is Erva Asel Khan.

I can see Erva coming in. She looked at me and gave me the cutest smile. Ugh!!My heart's melting so hard. I didn't notice how good she looked. Black nigh neck with grey joggers. I don't know she looks even more skinner than my birthday. Has she stopped eating again?She said she's 32kgs last month.

Something wrong is happening in their relationship. But who am I to judge? It's actually Erva's life. I know she gets what she wants, but she doesn't really know. I manipulate the universe to get what I want. Erva is not someone I want. If I wanted a mere relationship, I would already be with her. But I know she doesn't want me. And I am not a joke to anyone.

To be honest, looking at them together is making me lose interest. Yeah, there's jealousy in me too. I am not a saint. Fake affection from Shraddha and Erva's not stopping her. Wow, the same girl who says she likes me. I just want to stand and give them a big round of applause.

However, Erva's body language told a different story. Her shoulders tightened, and she moved slightly away, her eyes looking around as if trying to find a way out. Every touch from Shraddha seemed to make Erva more uncomfortable.

"You seem jealous," Kaira showed a text on her phone like she was showing a meme.

I took her phone and wrote, "Oh shoot. Well, let's hope nobody sees that."

Kaira wrote something and showed it to me. "It's an explosion; how can anybody not see that?"

I knew Erva got the hint that we were talking through texts, so I said, "I think you should follow her. She has the best memes on her page." Erva let out a snort. I was caught. Shit. Right now, I just want to wipe that smirk off her face.

I wrote again, "I think I am falling in love," and passed the phone to Kaira. She snapped her head towards me. "That sucks, bro," she whispered.

"Why do I feel so dumb?" I whispered back.

"Probably because you are," she replied.

It's gonna be a long day, isn't it?