Everything I was afraid of happening, happened.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know who I am.
I will never be me again.
I am back from meeting Ritvik. I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know if I was even happy when I saw him. The only thing I felt was guilt. I broke his precious heart, and there's still hope in his eyes—the hope that we will get back together.
We met, and I gave him the watch I bought for him. He was so happy, like a cute puppy. But then we held hands. There was no spark. All I felt was panic when I touched him. I can never go back to being comfortable around men, even though I took two pills to suppress my anxiety before meeting him. He picked me up from my school, and we went to our café that we discovered together. It was our place, our cute, messy home.
But.
That home felt empty. The only thing I felt was guilt. Guilt for breaking his precious heart. Guilt for not being a normal person. And I know I'll never be good enough.
I have told Erva everything about him. She knows that I met him and she was the one who chose the watch I gifted him. I don't know what I feel about anyone. Ritvik was the boy I fell in love with a year ago, but now I'm confused if it's love or attachment. If I were truly in love with him, I would be comfortable around him. I would be able to touch him.
I know everything happens for a reason. BUT WHAT THE FUCK?
Real depression is when you stop loving the things you love the most. I was crying coming back to home. What was it? What the fuck does my heart wants that my mind doesn't allow?
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Desired, but never loved.
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