How You Left Me

9

I've forgotten what it feels like to fall asleep alone and wake up alone. There have been a few times over the last few years that it's happened, but I always knew Sebastian was coming home.

This time he's not.

My stomach is in knots from yesterday and last night, both events twisting and turning inside of me like a raging sea. When I flip the covers off, I sit up and grab my phone.

One message from Aspen. One from Sebastian, and two from Flora, my best friend in California.

Aspen
- Hope everything is okay!

Sebastian
- I made it back. On the way to the apartment

Flora
- Sebastian just walked into your apartment as I was feeding Tofu

- WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I open up Aspen's messages and want to reply with it's not, but I don't. Instead, I leave it unanswered for now. My fingers feel heavy as I hover them over the keyboard of Sebastian's messages. Do I answer? Do I ignore it? My heart rate speeds up and I'm stuck.

Glad you made it home. I miss you here already.

Then I backtrack and delete everything, leaving me at square one again.

I'm glad you made it home. Call me later?
I send the message off and close my eyes.

Then, I tackle Flora's message. She's like a fiery ray of sunshine compacted into a five foot two stature. She promised she'd feed Sebastian's cat Tofu while we were gone.

I'll have to call you later and fill you in, I tell her, the complexity of all of this far too big to send through text messages.

When all of my messages are sent, I collapse back onto the bed. The whole process felt like I just completed a run, which reminds me, I probably should.

After much delay, I'm in my workout clothes outside of the hotel. It's cloudy today, some fog still lingering from overnight. The air is cool and salty, a reminder that it hasn't fully switched over to summer yet.

I decide to run the same route as the other day, but this time Axel isn't there when I pass the pier. The exercise makes me feel much better, even if only temporarily.

As I'm rounding the last block before the hotel, Sebastian calls me. My watch and phone vibrate at the same time, and at first I decide I'll ignore it. But it's so persistent that I end up answering anyway.

"Hey," I breathe heavily into my watch, my feet pounding against the cement as they slow down to a jog.

"What are you doing?" Sebastian asks on the other end, not accusatory but generally curious.

"Running," I answer, equally as out of breath as the first time.

"Sorry. You said call later but I had to call now," he says apologetically. "I just woke up and it's weird without you."

I sigh and begin walking to cool down. All of the mixed emotions I feel come back full throttle now that the adrenaline is gone. 

"I know. I thought the same thing. How's Tofu?"

Sebastian laughs before answering. "I didn't know separating meant we only discuss the kids now."

His comment stops me in my tracks.

"Is that what we're doing?" I ask starkly, wiping the sweat from my face with my shirt before sitting down on the curb.

"Yeah. That's what we wanted, right?" Sebastian says with a faux sense of contentment.