Time.

Starting Chemo

Of course I told my friends about Jake. They were all super excited and kept going on and on about how cute we would be together and how adorable our children would look. Little do they know that is all just a dream for me anymore. I also told my mom. At first she was surprised and asked about protection, but then she was happy for me. She told me that "a girl should be able to experience sex like that at least once in her life" and now I have.

Back to reality now though, I start chemo today, I enter a room with other patient sitting around each one in there own space with curtains separating them. I scan the room before locking eye with a boy who look familiar. His eyes make me think that I know him. My mom taps my shoulder. "Isn't that the boy from the mall?" Oh my gosh, it is, but he looks different, his eyes are droopy, he looks weak and his hair is gone. I was so starstruck in the mall, and now I hardly recognized him. Is that how it is going to be for me? Am I going to change that much? "I don't know if I can do this mom!" I say in a scared voice. She holds me tight and rubs my hair while kissing my forehead. "Yes you can baby, you can do this because you are strong, and you never break a promise. We will fight and we will try our best, and maybe we will win, and maybe we will lose, but at least we will know that we tried."

She is right, I know she is, but I am still scared. He notices me too and waves a bit. I walk towards him where an empty seat is waiting for me. He smiles and says " I remember you, you were my one time before girl." "Your what?" I asked confused. "I made a list, a do it one time before cemo list, and one of those items was to walk up to a pretty girl and say hi, and that girl just happened to be you." I smile and state, "well I'm flattered, thank you." "No, thank you" he replies. I want to talk to him, ask him about his life, but right as I'm being set up, he is finishing and says "goodluck" before leaving. The first round of chemo goes by fast. And I just feel really sleepy afterwards. My mom drives me home and I sleep for the rest of the day.

They say it takes about 2 weeks before hair loss starts with chemo. That means I have 2 weeks before I have to tell my friends. What am I going to do? They will hate me for lying to them, and even more for not starting treatment sooner. If chemo doesn't start working I have about 5-8 months left if I am lucky. I don't know if I can last that long being the sick girl that everyone talks about. Part of me doesn't want to fight, I just want to go in peace unexpected and still be able to look like myself. I want people to say I fought until the end, and I didn't break my promise, but I also want to stay true to who I am. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I walk into my parents room around 8:40 pm I know they are or are about to be sleeping because they both wake up early for work. Mom is already asleep on the right side of the bed, but dad is sitting on his tablet. I slowly walk to his side and sit on the floor with my back turned towards him. He puts his tablet down and let's me sit there in silence for a couple minutes. "I don't know if I can do it dad. I want to fight for you and mom and everyone, but I also don't know if I can."

He takes a second to clear his thoughts then he turns towards me rubs my head with his rough working hands and says "you know baby girl, you have always been one to put others needs above you own. No matter how hard it is for you, so maybe this time you put your own needs above everyone else's. Maybe this time you do what you believe is best for you. Maybe that is fighting like hell, because you want the chance to be able to grow up and live the life you have always wanted, or maybe it means going with grace and saving yourself some pain. Either way though, it is your decision and no one, not even your mother can make it for you."

My dad has always been the tough one. I have only seen him cry once when I was first diagnosed, but other than that have never seen him shed one tear. I know when I need straight forward advice, I go to him because he won't usually beat around the bush. He makes me stronger. Mom is always there for support, but dad is always there to tell me to get my shit together.