my body's burning for you

me in my own head

It was about a week or so into the tour, and I found myself standing beside the ramp to our equipment trailer; silently watching everything being brought into the venue to be set up.

I had my hands shoved into the pockets of my navy colored sweatshirt, somewhat dazed off and unable to defend myself against the sudden blow to my side.

"Shit, dude!"

I yelled, pushing Justin away from me. It was then that I saw the football tucked underneath his arm, Mike, Jaime, and Kamron at the other end of the parking lot waiting for him to throw it again.

"Watch where you're going."

I warned, my tone a little softer this time as I rubbed my impacted arm gently. My words probably sounded more harsh than I meant them to be, but it was early. And I wished I was back in my bunk, sleeping.

A quick wave from across the lot caught my attention and I squinted, making the tall figure out to be Caleb. He was beckoning me to him, and I carefully avoided any contact with the ball again while I made my way over. I was curious to see what he wanted this time, he'd been acting strange all week and I'd been trying to figure out why.

"You okay?"

His words were genuine and serious, and I appreciated his concern.

"Yeah, rough morning I guess. Didn't get much sleep."

I held his eye contact, since I could tell he had no intention of being the one to break it.

"It's impossible to sleep on tour. I sure as hell don't."

He chuckled, and it brought a small smile to my lips.

"You want to take a walk?"

I nodded, figuring a little fresh air and exercise wouldn't hurt. It'd probably end up helping my case. As we began the stroll down the sidewalk Caleb pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, easily flipping open the lid and tilting the box so I could see inside. I assumed he was offering me one. I shook my head.

"I didn't know you smoked."

I spoke up, my eyes now scanning his face instead of the full pack.

"I don't. Just thought you might."

He shrugged, closing the lid again and slipping them into his pocket.

"Caleb, what are you doing?"

"Hm?"

"Why are you trying to get on my good side? You rarely talk to anyone else but me, and you've spent the whole of this past week trying to find out what I like. My interests, I mean."

I heard him sigh, and he stopped walking. I didn't go on.

"I thought it was kind of obvious."

He finally said after a minute of thinking. I didn't respond, only raised an eyebrow; a cue for him to explain. My hands began the journey back into my pockets, and Caleb eyed them carefully.

"God, how do I say this?"

He muttered to himself, leaning his back against the siding of the building we stood next to. His brows furrowed in what could only be concentration.

"Before this tour, you know, I was just thinking. About myself, mostly. I haven't asked a girl out in over a year, not that I haven't had the opportunity. I came to the realization that they just don't appeal to me, at least not anymore. I wanted to- I don't know, experiment?"

He looked at me warily, and I cleared my throat.

"You mean, you think you're g-"

He cut me off before I could finish my sentence, leaning forward and pressing a finger to my lips.

"I don't want to say that yet, I'm just exploring the idea for now. But I thought, why not try spending some time with a guy I don't normally hang out with? See how I feel about him?"

He leaned back again, and it was my turn to furrow my eyebrows.

"Do you think I'm gay?"

The words sounded weird coming out of my mouth, but then again I'd never said them before. Caleb reached up, scratching the back of his neck.

"Well-"

"Caleb, I'm not gay. I was fine with being your friend, but this is too much. I don't want to be some fucking experiment for you to toy with."

I couldn't think of anything else to say, and by the look on Caleb's face, he didn't want to hear it. I sighed and turned away, walking back to the bus where I knew he wouldn't be.

~

It was a rough several days after that, mainly consisting of me avoiding Caleb as much as I could and ignoring everyone else's comments about it. The shows went on as usual, a few break days being dropped in between to relax. But I didn't spend my time relaxing. I spent it thinking about what Caleb said, and how I'd reacted. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I'd been a little too harsh on him. But then again, his logic about this was weird. Why would he expect me to go along with it, let alone be gay?

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock against the wood supporting my bunk. The curtain was pulled back before I could tell whoever it was to go away.

"Kellin, you haven't done anything on our break days ever since last week and you're ignoring everyone, and it's fucking stupid that you won't tell us why. We're going to a club tonight, and you're coming. Whether you want to or not."

I rolled over, coming face to face with Justin. Fuck him, he always convinced me to do things. But I knew if I didn't go, he'd call me out in front of everyone. And that was the last thing I wanted. He walked away before I could agree, and I laid there for a couple more minutes before deciding to get ready.

~

The music was loud, and I almost immediately lost my friends the moment we stepped inside. They scattered around the club, getting drinks, talking to girls; I didn't want to be here whatsoever. I groaned, though it was inaudible over the bass pumping through the venue.

I got the sudden feeling that I was being watched, and my eyes scanned the dark room until they landed on a familiar face.

Caleb.

Fuck. I started walking towards the bar and rolled my eyes, knowing his own were following me. I ordered a fireball once my ass touched the padded stool, needing to get away from my own thoughts. My fingertips traced the grain of the bar while I waited, looking over my shoulder once more to see Caleb. I couldn't find him.

The stool next to me was pulled out and a pretty brunette sat down, catching my gaze and flashing me a white smile. It was then that my drink came, and I became more infatuated in downing it than I was with her.

"I'm Katelynne."

She leaned over to speak after I set the small glass back down, offering me her hand. I shook it gently.

"Kellin."

Katelynne smiled again and rested her elbow on top of the counter, propping her head up with the palm of her hand. She began talking again but I wasn't listening, instead turning in my seat to look for anyone I knew.

I found Caleb a little ways into the crowd, talking to a man with a small frame and a dazzling smile. He was laughing, and his hand squeezed Caleb's bicep gently.

A small pang of jealously hit me.

Was I gay?