my body's burning for you

the king of excuses

Me and Katelynne had exchanged numbers before either of us left that night, simply because I needed someone to talk to; and more importantly, take my mind off of Caleb. I told myself it was him that was confusing me, but my subconscious said otherwise. It was my own thoughts that kept me up at night, revisiting the possibility of me being gay. The more I thought about it, the less peculiar it sounded. And that worried me.

I took extra precautions in avoiding Caleb, but I didn't hold back from joining the rest of our party for late night outings and celebrations. I didn't want my close friends noticing how deep in thought I seemed to be almost all the time now; which is why it took as much courage as I could muster to knock on Pierce The Veil's door and ask if I could speak to Tony.

He was confused, I could tell, but he joined me outside anyway; with open ears and a gentle smile.

"You're probably wondering why I asked for you."

I let out a nervous chuckle, picking at the lint inside my pockets. He nodded, waiting for me to go on.

"I just feel like you'd be the best to tell this to, I know you'll keep your mouth shut and I just- I trust you."

Tony's composer remained calm and quiet, another reason I'm glad I picked him. He wouldn't prod at me for answers, he was a good listener.

"I think I'm gay, Tony."

I went right ahead and said it, silently thanking my voice for not wavering. When I looked up from the gravel beneath my feet, he was smiling.

"I was talking to Caleb the other day. I don't want expose him or anything, but he's the one who kind of got me thinking about myself. If you catch my drift. He was trying to get me to help him, you know, figure out his sexuality. An innocent act, but I blew him off. I don't know what happened, what overcame me. I said things I shouldn't have and now I can't apologize because he hates my fucking guts. But I need to talk to him, I need to explain myself."

I was straight up rambling at this point, and Tony hadn't made a peep the whole time. But he was hanging on to every word I said. Analyzing me, almost.

"Talk to him anyways, Kellin."

I don't know why I didn't expect him to say anything. But once he started talking, it kept coming out.

"He probably feels really alone right now, because he thinks he's the only one and that you want nothing to do with him. He needs comfort. He'd probably be really grateful to find you on his side again, you're the only one who knows how he's feeling."

"But I don't! I have no idea what he's feeling, we haven't spoken in weeks!"

"All the more reason to communicate."

Those were Tony's last words before he turned to go back inside, stopping once he had the door open. It was then that I noticed the few drops of rain splattering between the sharp gravel.

"You should go find him before it starts pouring. Good luck, Kellin."

He nodded to someone behind me before disappearing into the bus, and I glanced over my shoulder. Taylor.

"Have you seen Caleb anywhere?"

He asked me, tugging his beanie further down his forehead.

"He's not in his bunk?"

"No, he left a half hour ago and I haven't seen him since. Let me know if you find him, yeah? I wanted to go over a couple things regarding our setlist."

I nodded and watched Taylor retreat back into his bus, and I took the time by myself to think of where Caleb might be. And then it hit me.

I flipped my hood up over my head as the rain began falling more consistently, peppering the sidewalk with damp splotches. I just hoped he was still out here. My brisk walk turned into a jog, and I kept my route as close as possible to the venue so I wouldn't get lost. We had only played here once or twice before, and I was nowhere near familiar with my surroundings. We left all the navigating up to our bus driver. I passed by a few alleyways as I jogged, keeping an eye out for anyone who resembled Caleb. All the buildings here looked the same, and as I was just about to give up and walk back to the bus, I couldn't remember which way I had come. The thin cotton material of my hoodie was soaked, and I could feel my jeans beginning to cling to my legs.

"Shit."

I swore, regretting coming to look for Caleb in the first place. I should've just waited for him to come back to the bus, he had to eventually and it would've been way smarter of a plan than this. I assumed he was out taking another walk, he took one daily ever since he invited me along the first time. I overheard him telling Nick it was to clear his head, and it made sense to me.

"Kellin?"

Caleb's voice sounded almost worried as he emerged from around the corner, and I looked up at him through my rain-soaked bangs.

"Caleb, thank god. I have no idea where I'm going."

I chuckled to try and lighten the mood, Caleb only managed a smile.

"What are you doing out here?"

He asked, squinting his eyes slightly.

"I was trying to find you. We need to talk."

I went on before he could object.

"I want to talk about before. I know I was a dick to you and I'm also well aware that it wasn't fair what I said. I didn't mean to react how I had and I want to apologize. The absolute truth is, I think I was just paranoid about everyone finding out and thinking I was something I wasn't. But it only caused bigger problems for myself, and in the midst of it all I realized something. I am gay, Caleb."

I threw my arms up in defeat and slumped back against the brick wall of the building behind me, my body drained from how much I had just expressed to Caleb in the past five minutes. I had no idea what his reaction might be, and I waited eagerly for him to say something. Anything. But what he did next surprised me.

He stepped forward and I felt myself being pulled into his strong grasp, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist and his face pressing into my neck. His breath was hot against my skin, tickling it lightly every time he exhaled. He didn't say anything for a while, and there was nothing else for me to do but hug him back. Tony's words echoed in the back of my mind, 'he needs comfort.' I let my own sopping arms drape around his shoulders, my wet body pressed to his in the closest way possible. It wasn't as cliché as kissing in the rain, but it was the next best thing and I was willing to give him all the support he needed. And if it was only a simple hug, then I was happy to do at least that for him.

"Thank you."

I finally heard him whisper, and he pulled back to look at me. My hood had fallen to my shoulders once again, and I lowered myself from the perch I had on my tiptoes. My eyes searched his own for any sign of emotion, analyzing the gorgeous shade of blue they were while I found my voice.

"For what?"

"Everything."

And I didn't press his answer. There was about a million other ways he could've reacted, and I was grateful for the one I got.

"Let's head back then, I don't want either of us catching a cold."

He nodded in agreement and lost his hold around my waist, and I almost missed it. It was warm in his arms and I felt safe, whereas out here in the cold and rainy weather I felt as if anything could get me. Unprotected. As we began the short trek back to the lot with Caleb leading the way, I reached out and grabbed his hand. It was warm despite the temperature of the air surrounding it, and I let my chilled fingers lace between his longer ones. He didn't seem to mind it at all, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze and flashing me a smile which I knew was genuine. And it was beautiful.

I didn't care what he made of the gesture, I wasn't even sure myself if it was just me trying to be a good friend and comfort him, or if it meant something more. I'd need time to figure that out, and lots of it.

He pulled his hand away once the venue came into view and I understood why, turning to give him another quick hug before I jogged back to my own bus; the only other place I knew where it'd be as safe and warm as Caleb's arms.