The Hoplite

eleven

train tracks and tiny figurines and stones i collect to forget inside my pockets. gonna ruin my washing machine sometime soon if i keep this up.

09/07/2024

I'm still a smoker and my hands still shake. but, i have my breakfast every morning now and i work out and i go to work some days and i write much, much less than i used to. it still gives me the same old shakes, though. 

old is good, yes. i am, however, learning that new can be good too. a new pair of heels, a new town, a new beginning, new sobriety, a new morning and a new night. 

old routines supported by new ones. 

my playlist filled with new music i came to love. old people, but from a new distance. old clothes safely stitched back up, waiting to be torn some more. i will be torn some more, but not by my own hands, and i swear on it, to myself. the night sky doesn't ask to fall, simply does it's daily task of falling. why should i be any more complicated than that? it is okay to have meaning without any meaning, i am here and now and that is beautiful and torturous, the same. it is okay to hurt and be hurt, long as you strive for better after every downpour. a pin drop, a white flag, a wave, the drop of my stomach proves to me i am human and alive. i love caring and allowing myself to wallow in my humanity is the very point. to my core, i care! i care! i care too much and that is good. 

i will wrestle, and wrestle fiercely, with being oversaturated by emotion, rather than take it into my hands to dull myself ever again.

distance brings clarity and confusion the same. i am still the same girl, medicating with lyricism. but i am also the new girl after a psych ward, the psych ward, the rebirth. a phoenix of some sort. a fresh foetus walking, cleaning up after myself. take responsibility; cleaning cleaning, scrubbing. the old me is gone and molting is okay, i know that now. to molt is simply to outgrow the old skin, and to outgrow your old skin is to be ready. it took her really quite long, but i don't resent her for it. it took her an eternity and a kiss and a death. and a butterfly and the corpse of an old dog. 

here and now, i swear to strive for better, and i swear to love despite the fear. i swear to be present and i swear to be human and i swear, to the best of my abilities, to treat myself with the same kindness i treat strangers with. a sleeping cat in my lap will, from now on, equal a good day in my books.

i am only getting to know you for the first time, maybe you are not so very horrible. 

with love,

t.