Wish I Was Better

X

Two months.

That's how long I gave myself to ignore my emotions.

Finals were around the corner, and I was not going to botch them up just because I couldn't keep my own feelings in check. So I put my head down and studied. And when I was around the group I was all smiles and jokes. There was no existential crisis. No pondering of feelings. Just being normal.

It hurt, though. I don't know what it was I felt every time I saw Rowan, or Brody, or Jake. I thought I was over her, and Jake was dating someone else. It didn't make sense to me. Turning 18 was also cool, I guess. I didn't really get what all the buzz was about, but hey, why not?

"Knock knock." The gentle features of my mom peeked through the side of my door. "Dad's been calling you for the past five minutes."

I shook my head - as if that'd get rid of the thoughts consuming me, I internally scoffed - and then turned to her. "Sorry. Over-exerted using this rickety brain." I tapped on my head, doing a near perfect impression of our old neighbour.

It shocked a laugh out of her, but she was always the first to see through my comedic exterior. She entered my room, gently shutting the door behind her. Then she plonked down on my spinny chair and wheeled it in front of where I was sitting on my bed. "Atlas. You know I love you, right?"

I nodded my head, confused.

"And I've raised you like my own child. I know your parents are a sore point for you, but I love you like you were my own child."

Dread slowly filled me. She couldn't be? Right? They promised.

"Yeah." I prompted.

"I've cared for you for 7 years. I remember the day I first took you in. Closed off and politer than a salesman to his best client. You were a small, troubleless little baby." She smiled fondly; nostalgically. "And you had the most adorable facial expressions. Especially when you were disgusted. Feeding you sauerkraut was hilarious. But I don't - I don't know what my life would've looked like without you in it."

I smiled, but my body quickly tensed. There had to be a different reason why she was saying all of this - right?

"And me and your dad need to tell you something."

"-- Then shouldn't we wait until dinner?" I interrupted. I needed space, I needed time. She couldn't spring this on me so suddenly. No. I needed time, desperately.

Her smile dropped, but she pasted it back just as quickly. "Oh. Yeah. Sure," she looked slightly taken aback, and I wondered if I'd come off as more aggressive than I'd meant to. "If that's what you want."

I nodded, and she left without waiting to see if I would follow. She knew I would. I always did.

I hated feeling this way. I knew that I had my rough days and all, but I couldn't have done something wrong. There was no way. I tried my best to be quiet and not demand too much. Had I pushed too many buttons? Asked for too much? No, that couldn't be the reason. It wouldn't be–

Shit.

That's it.

I just turned 18. I'm no longer a child. I should've seen this coming, it was so obvious, if only I'd been more aware, or more focused, if I actually used my brain. I should've known.

Calm down, dimwit. You're being irrational.

What else would they want to talk to me about? I'd made just about enough money over the last three summers, maybe I'd be ok. I never wanted to go back. Never again. Maybe I could convince them to let me live alone instead.