Wish I Was Better

XII

Warning: Slightly graphic intimate scenes. Nothing too extreme.

"I don't know how or when or why, I think I just do." I shut my eyes, taking in a deep breath. "And I know that we can't be together."

He stepped towards me, and although I couldn't see him, I heard the crunch of leaves and soil under his feet. "Why?"

Because it was wrong. Because we shouldn't. Because of Rowan. Because of our friends. Because I might never see him again by the end of this month. Because I was scared that if this.. if us, happened, then I wouldn't want to let go. I was scared that I'd love him and break my heart all over again. And I was scared that he didn't like me back the way I liked him.

Instead, what came out was: "I'm not thinking clearly."

I heard him step closer again, hooking his finger gently under my jaw and bringing my face up to look at his. He was only an inch taller than me, and at this proximity, I could kiss him by barely moving my head.

"Atlas."

I stared back into his eyes, unblinking, unflinching. His voice was all too much like honey, dripping sweet and addictive.

"Tell me you want me to stop and I will. The moment you don't want this, the moment you say no, I'll stop. We'll go back home and pretend none of this happened."

My heart clenched painfully at his words. I realised with a jolt that no, no I didn't want him to let go. I wanted him, and it felt wrong to go behind everyone's backs like this, but everything felt so right when I was with him.

He leant forward, brushing his lips against mine once more. I leant in, pressing harder against his lips. I could taste him, could smell the fading scent of his cologne. It was addictive and alluring and forbidden all at once.

"Just once." I said, bringing my hands to his hair and tugging him impossibly closer.

"Just once." He echoed in the moonlight.

His lips lingered against mine for a moment longer, before I broke off. I slowly traced butterfly kisses down his jaw, savouring his taste. I kissed like my life depended on it; I kissed like I was worshiping a deity, like I would die if I didn't pleasure him like a devotee to their god.

Slowly, my lips trailed down to his collarbone, hovering over his scent glands and just breathing with him. I hadn't noticed when his hands had wrapped around my waist, squeezing gently and rubbing circles. My hands were still tangled in his curls, brushing through them playfully.

I lifted my lips to meet his, only to be taken aback by the expression on his face. He was watching me with a carnal need, but his features were softened with a much gentler emotion. He was studying my face as if committing my features to memory. As if it would be the last time.

That what I had said, wasn't it? Just once. And yet, as I shut my eyes and pressed my lips against his once more, I could only think about how much I wanted this. Wanted him.

Every cell of my body was vibrating with energy and passion, and all I could do was kiss his lips. I felt his body shudder under my touch, the goosebumps rising on his skin, which I wouldn't have known about unless my hand brushed against them, for it was too dark.

He pulled back for air, bringing his hands up to my chest. "We need to stop."

I hate myself for having to hold back an instant complaint. "Why?" I asked, gently.

He stepped back, shaking his head. "Because if I'm near you any longer I'll do things we can't reverse. I can barely hold myself back."

My heart dropped to my stomach. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to stay there in his embrace for as long as possible, but I also recognised how dangerous this was. We were walking the thin line between friends and lovers.