Wish I Was Better

XVI

I decided to rip the bandage off all at once - there was no pointing dragging on the inevitable. I popped my head into the living room, unsurprised to see both mom and dad sitting there. Mom was reading while dad was on his laptop, most likely working.

"Mom? Dad? Can we talk now?" I asked, nerves jumbling my words and forcing my voice an awkward octave higher. I sounded like I was a guilty thief trying to lie my way out of getting caught while I had a bag of all the stolen items open in front of me.

Mom set down her book first. "Yeah sure, sit down honey."

I watched as Dad clicked 'sleep' on his laptop and shut it, placing it onto the table in front of him. I sat down cross-legged on the floor across the table and facing them. 

Mum started first. "Atlas, there is no way we're sending you there if you don't want to go. I realised that I'd made it sound like we were sending you away, and we would never. I would never." She sounded upset and apologetic all at once. Relief flooded me and it was like the world was lifted from off my shoulders. Or at least, the burden was lighter.

Dad leant slightly forward, "We didn't mean to upset you. I was absolutely... bewildered when you left. I've never seen you upset and yet you were just-"

"-a wreck? Yeah, I know." I chuckled lightly. "I was caught off guard. I thought you were sending me away forever and I guess the thought upset me more than I'd ever guessed it would."

Dad's gaze softened. "Atlas, we love you. We watched you become the strong, amazing person you are today. We wouldn't simply agree to sending you away. We'd fight tooth and nail."

"I'd fight tooth and nail too." I shrugged.

Mom took my hands in hers, smiling at me in the way only mothers can smile at their children. "They just want to see you. You can take a flight, spend a few days or a night and come back when you want. You don't have to stay with them if you don't want to, we can book you a hotel or something. We weren't going to tell you but..." she took a shaky breath, as if the next words pained her, "You deserve to choose whether you want to stay with them or us. They raised you for 11 years and we couldn't ignore the fact that this is your choice."

I think a little bit inside of me died when she said that.

They'd thought that I'd choose my biological parents over them, and my heart lurched when I realised it. It made me realise that they hadn't always been parents; I was their first child too. They'd had to learn to parent and as easy as they made it look, it wasn't.

Maybe me coming into this home changed their lives as much as it changed mine.

It made me realise that to me, they'd always just been Mom and Dad - maybe not always, but for long enough. I'd always been so safe and happy with them that it hadn't ever really occurred to me that they had lives before me. That I affected their lives.

And now they were setting me free and... I didn't know what to feel.

What was I meant to say?

No?

Yes?

Could I really give them another chance? Was it worth it?

A small part of me wanted to see them again. Desperately. The ten year old boy who'd cling onto the memories of his parents who'd lovingly set up a small birthday party. Parents who had stayed sober just for him, just for his special day.