Lavender Haze

Chapter 28

It has been a month. Well, actually, twenty-nine days, but who's counting?

Twenty-nine days since I've last seen River.

Twenty-nine days I've spent trying to deny what I feel for him.

Twenty-seven days since I told Wes I couldn't date him, couldn't find space in my life for another person, not right now, which was timely, since he was trying to break things off with me, apparently, after being promoted and getting ready to move to the Paris to oversee the St. James hotel.

Twenty-two days since River called off his engagement to Mila. Every newspaper in town covered the news like it was the biggest story since the Watergate. Everyone has been speculating about the reason why they broke up, the theories varying from: River St. James has been cheating, to Mila Bauman is secretly a Russian spy.

Rafael has implied, more than once, it was my fault they cancelled the wedding. Not in a mean way, more to give me a nudge to approach River, get in touch with him again. But what would be the point? River and I – even if we got together, then what? What would keep us together? I want to be loved fiercely. I want date nights and lazy evenings pancaked on the couch sipping beer and eating Doritos from a family-sized bag. I want to hold hands walking in Central Park and dream about my future family. I want big romantic gestures and someone to cry on while I watch TikTok videos of engagements at the Tour Eiffel. And River wants – none of that.

I'm none the wiser when it comes to River and Mila's breakup, and maybe, partly it's my fault, but even if that's the case, I can't bring myself to take the risk of finding out.

It's St. Patrick's weekend, and the plan is to meet at O'Reilly's with Dan, Rafael and some of their friends, dress entirely in green, and drink every time someone asks my brother where the pot of gold is hidden. It's been our tradition since Rafael and I could legally drink, and I need the normalcy of trivial, booze-soaked nights with loud friends. I haven't been in the mood for comradery, and that's why Rafael said I must go out with them. He even threatened to kidnap Kat if I stood them up, which is the only reason why I've bothered whipping out of my closet my emerald-green halter dress. I haven't worn it since last June, and it's a little snuggly on the stomach area, which leads me to believe Teo was right when he said I put on a few pounds since he last saw me. But, struggling, I still manage to zip it up, and it's the only green dress I own, so I keep it on and decide that being able to breathe is not a necessity for tonight.

Kat saunter to my room as I'm blotting my lipstick.

"How is my baby?" I ask her. She is still mad at me because I forced on her a leprechaun's hat to take a picture to show mom and she decides to coolly ignore me as she curls on the bed and promptly falls asleep. She doesn't even stir when the doorbell rings.

I check the time on my phone. It's 8:18 PM. Dan and Rafael were supposed to be here at half eight, so I assume it's plausible they're early, even though neither of them is renowned for their punctuality (in a shocking twist of events, the only time they managed to be on time for something was their wedding ceremony).

I hook my sparkly open-toe shoes to my fingers and trail to the door, swinging it wide open. And on a second thought, I probably should stop doing that, because this is New York, and the least safe thing you can do is not check your peephole.

"Hey."

My mouth gradually slacks open as I take in who's in front of me. River St. James, hair a tousled mess, ungroomed blond beard covering his chin and cheeks, t-shirt and jeans, something I've never saw him wore before. He is – gorgeous. There's no other word for the charm he oozes.

"Were you on your way out?"

"I – Hi! Hi. Hello."

River's lips quirk up. "Hello."