The recovery

What Could Have Been - M van Zyl

There is so much I missed,
All the signs were there, slapped around my wrist,
Never knowing how to act when you were around,
Never knowing when you joked or were serious, bound,
Always the same patterns, the same game,
Always had to be in control, always had to reign,
There was no stopping you because you didn't realize,
You made me feel like nothing, worthless, objectified,
I was your prisoner, your little dressed-up doll,
You didn't care about me, nothing at all,
I wish I had gotten to know you sooner, then later,
Known the manipulator, tormentor, sadistic beater,
I wish I had known the pain you had caused,
Maybe there was a way I could have avoided being bruised,
Nothing can change the past and what you've done,
You hurt me more ways than known, and now you're gone,
You refuse to admit the truth, to own up to your mistakes,
You tell me that I live in a fantasy, that I am the one lying. Fake,
You are the one who was wrong, yet I am punished?
How is that fair? Just because I managed.
You were supposed to be there to comfort me in my pain,
Not cause it, like you had something to gain,
You put it all on me, telling me I am worth nothing,
Why do I still want your approval? Why am I still bargaining?
Why did I have to be blinded? But all the sweet lies,
Why do I have to feel everything inside as it dies?
I don't understand how you could do that,
I don't understand how it could please you to see me sad,
Your actions and your words still torment me every night,
But you never gave it a second thought, am I right?