Map of the Soul 7 Saga Book 3 - Home

Home Chapter 18

Month 3: Some days, I can see a tiny light in all this darkness. Talking to my counselor helps. It's like I'm slowly putting pieces of myself back together. But I'm not there yet. Not even close. I still can't hang out with Mi Hi like I used to. The thought of leaving my house makes my heart race and my hands shake. Mi Hi comes to see me sometimes, but it's not the same. I miss our old friendship.

And Holden... oh, my sweet boy. I want to play with him and laugh like we used to, but it's so hard. Sometimes, just getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain. Sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night, jumping at every little sound. Work seems like something from another life. I can't even imagine going back right now. The backyard is the only place I go outside. Now, just stepping outside makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I feel so distant from my love, JK, and it really hurts to be in this state. He is so patient with me, but I don't always feel like I deserve his love, yet he gives it to me even when he's on tour. He makes sure to call me every day and comfort me, and he is such a comfort. I just feel selfish because all I do is take from him.

But... there's a but now. And that's new. I can see that I'm not the same scared, broken person I was a few months ago. I'm still scared, and still a little broken, but I'm also stronger. I'm fighting back. Some days, I can imagine a future where I'm okay again. Where I can laugh with Mi Hi, play with Holden, and feel safe in my skin. It feels far away, but for the first time, I believe I might get there.

I'm not healed. Not yet. But I'm healing. And that's something.

In the councilor's office:

How are you doing today? Can you describe how you're feeling to the best of your ability? The counselor is interested in hearing me.

Today, I find it difficult to express my emotions. I feel hesitant, almost reluctant, to open up. I let out a deep sigh as I struggled to articulate my thoughts. "I don't know," I say in a moment of uncertainty.

She passes me a chart that's filled with a variety of emotions neatly listed. "Let's begin with these, and then we can explore further, alright?"

I nodded in agreement as I gazed at the chart of emotions displayed before me by the counselor. As the counseling session ended, I began to feel a sense of relief washing over me. The bodyguard escorted me to the car and drove me home. Upon arriving, my anxiety spiked as I noticed several cars in the driveway. I was not in the mood for socializing and simply longed for peace and quiet to rest and recharge.

As I entered through the door, Mi Hi caught my eye and swiftly made her way over, sporting a wide, welcoming smile. "Hey, bestie, how are you doing?" she greeted me, embracing me warmly and casting an appraising glance over me. "Have you eaten? I brought food." We strolled around the corner, her arm draped around me, her infectious smile still in place. "Look who else I ran into when I came by."

I look up and see Tiff, Rachael, and the kids around the table eating. I go to Holden and kiss his head. He hugs me tight and says, "Mommy, you're home. I hate it when you leave. Mommy, don't go again today, okay, Mommy?" I nod my head in agreement.

After finishing our meal together, the children excitedly head out to the backyard to play while the women gather for a pleasant conversation about the men in their lives.

Mi Hi is curious to catch up on the latest news. "I want to hear all the tea," she says. "How is the tour going with the guys? My group is TXT, so I'm always too busy to find out what's going on with BTS," Mi Hi continues to ask.

Rachael chuckles, "They are well. Yoongi is face timing the kids and me at least twice a day."

"I'm sure you receive private calls, too," Tiffany teased Rachael. All the women laugh, and I smile as well.