Seasons Changing

Constant

A/N: The italic words with be flashbacks!!!

The school year had come to an end and I didn't have him anymore. What he told me he was afraid of ended up happening. She was gone too. My days were slurring together. One thing I had some sort of happiness for was graduation. That was the one thing this year that couldn't leave me. 

"You ready Irene?" my mother shouts from downstairs. I went downstairs and grabbed my gown from my brother. 

"You look pretty, Ryan" he tells me with a smile. "Thank you." I say as I put my robe on, "Can- can we go now?" 

The walk to the car was quiet. The ride to the school was quiet. 

When it was my row's turn to get up and head to the stage, something felt different. I felt like even during an accomplishment I was supposed feel down. But, I didn't. I felt great. Like part of the weight on my shoulders had been lifted. As I approached the stage I felt a smile grow on my face. The greatness of how it felt outweighed the guilt from basking it in. 

"Ryan Foster-Russel" my principal announces. As I walked the stage I could hear friends, family, even teachers cheer for me. It felt amazing. 

"Hello?" "Hey, you never told me what happened with that new girl" he tells me over the phone. I sat up on my bed and swung my legs over the side of my bed. "Oh my gosh! She's not even that good. We were doing basic drills and she was even messing those up." "So she did all that just to not be good"? "I mean, who's better than me?" I laughed. 

I laughed all the time then. We'd stay up on the phone for hours. I'd be lucky for a text these days. 

"Ryan, this is your day, it's okay to be happy. I saw that smile when you crossed the stage" Lucas told me. "You know, Steven graduates next week and invited us to come down. Their family has taken Susannah's death a lot worse than our family." "You'd want to go to that?" "Well, they are still family. And you broke up with Belly. Steven and I still talk. I think Belly feels weird talking to me because of you. I think it'd be good for me to see them". "Then let's go." "Really?" "Yeah, no, yeah. I think it would be good for you." "Wow, okay!" I say as I ran off to talk to my entourage of supports of my graduation. 

"Can I tell you something a little weird?" "Of course, what's up?" "Sometimes I wonder what life would've been like if I lived with my dad year round and not my mom. Like, you, we'd probably come back to Virginia instead of up to Cousins". "I don't think that's weird. Isn't that the uh um, the butterfly effect?" Conrad asks while he searches for the right words. "I think. I don't know. I also think about how life would be if my parents spark didn't burst. They had something electric you know. They just didn't know how to convert it." "I don't think I could be with someone I didn't feel electric with" he tells me through the phone. "Yeah?" "Yeah"

Focusing on Steven's graduation also felt good. Another constant. That's two. This week actually kind of passes slowly. The anticipation for something to look forward to was too great. 

I hadn't spoken to Belly since the funeral. I didn't know how I was supposed to. I didn't know what to say. I chose not to worry about it. 

••••

"Your speech was amazing Steven!" "I know". "Don' be so cocky Conklin" I warned. "Well my family and I are going to grab some food. So we'll meet you at the party yeah?" I nodded my head and Lucas and I headed to our hotel. 

At the hotel Lucas got a little weird. "Hey, I don't think I'm gonna go to the party." "Why?" "It's Steven's. Belly's gonna be there. I-I just don't want any weirdness". "You sure?" "Yeah, go have fun though".

••••

"Wait, this band is actually pretty good". "I know right? That's my man, Milo singing" Taylor tells me. We keep dancing to the music when Steven takes off his shirt and tells us he's gonna crowd surf. Belly yells at him to not but he doesn't listen. He jumps anyways knocking her down. She then leaves for some fresh air.

When she get's back, Steven sprays beer on her. "This party sucks" she stresses. "Dude it's just beer man, it'll dry, chill" Steven tells her. "I'm leaving, okay? Steven, can you just like get Spike to drive you home, please?" "Spike? No, Spike-Spike is drunk. You-you promised to be my sober ride tonight." "Okay, well I'm ready to go now." "Okay, well I'm not." The siblings bickered. "Great. Then can you just call an Uber or something?" "Why are you being such a buzzkill right now?" "Oh, I'm sorry, am I ruining your fun night, Mr Perfect Valedictorian?" "Kinda, yeah" "Okay, well in case you forgot, which you clearly did, Susannah just died, so I'm a little bit sad but please don't let that stop you from having the time of your life". That's when I cut in, "Belly, that's a low blow. He shouldn't have to sacrifice his happiness and achievements over something we can't control". Steven jumps back in, "Fuck you. You know, I lost Susannah too okay? You don't think I'm sad about that?" "Oh, what, were you crowd surfing the pain away? My apologies." "You should apologize. You screwed up, and now everything is weird with Lucas and Jeremiah. I mean, they won't even text me back anymore." "That is not my fault!" "Isn't it? I should be celebrating with them tonight, but they wouldn't come because you made things messy." I thought that was it but Steven kept going. "You had Jeremiah but that wasn't enough. You had to have Lucas too. Gosh, you are so fucking selfish". "I had to have Lucas? I was in love Steven, like out of my mind in love. What was I supposed to do?" she yelled as she ran off and Taylor followed. 

"Hey um, if you want, when you're ready of course, I-I can take you home Steven?" I offered. "Are-are you sure?" "Yeah it's really not a problem". 

I didn't think either of them were in the wrong. Steven was drunk, finally expressing how he felt. Belly was hurt and just expressed her frustrations out on the wrong person. But if one of them were in the right, I'd say it was Steven.

"Conrad? What-what are you doing here?" "Happy almost Halloween" he says as he holds up candy. I laughed. "What are you doing here though? I-" "I wanted to see you. FaceTime and phone calls weren't enough" he admits. I jumped at that chance to kiss him. It was perfect. Our first kiss since the beach.

"Fucking Belly man. Taking my car and-and leaving me stranded at my own party I mean who does that?" "I think she just had a rough night. When something doesn't go her way, she blows up and makes a scene." I told him as I drove to his house. "Hey, did you get a gift basket from Susannah too?" "Uh, I don't know, my dad called and said there was a package for me at his house a couple days ago." "Oh, I forgot you still have Cousins" Steven says as his face faded. "You are always more than welcome at my dad's" "It just wouldn't be the same." "I get it".

We pulled up to his house. The car fell silent. It wasn't awkward though. Just weird to have Steven not talking. "Did you want to come in?" he offered. "Oh, no thank you it's late, I should probably go back to the hotel" I told him as he got out of the car. "Well thank you for saving me". "No problem, thank you for inviting me down this weekend, I needed it". "I did too, Ry". 

••••

I'd finally fallen asleep when my phone started to ring. "Jere?" "Ryan, are you- are you with Conrad?" "Um no, why would I be with Conrad?" I asked as I got up and went to the hallway so I couldn't wake up Lucas. "He's gone". "He's not answering my texts or picking up on my calls." "Since when?" "Yesterday". "Really Jere? It's been a day. I wouldn't be so worried." "Well, apparently he told his roommate that everything is fucked, and then he just took off. I think I'm gonna go to Brown in the morning and see if I can track him down." Conrad told me he didn't want to loose me. That felt like a lifetime ago. Now, he's losing himself. "Okay, but I'm coming with you".