The spark // Art Donaldson

014. Snap

Cadell, 2006

 It's not my fault.

Cadell took deep breaths. In and out, in and out.

It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

Cadell couldn't make herself believe her words.

"It's my fault," she whispered. Tashi looked at her, her brows furrowed as she processed what Cadell was talking about.

"No it's not, Cadell. You had nothing to do with my injury– I was in a bad mood after a fight, so I wasn't properly prepared."

Cadell shook her head slowly, "but I saw that there was something wrong with you. I knew that something was going to happen. I let it happen." She bit her lip, "I'm scared that I wanted it to happen."

Tashi watched her closely, her face unreadable, "did you?"

"I don't know. I've always felt... envious of you, of course," she let out a small laugh, "I mean, who wouldnt be? But, I don't think I ever wanted you to fail. I just always wanted to beat you."

Tashi nodded, swallowing hard. Her next words were slow and deliberately chosen. "I don't think you wanted me to fail-- I know what you're thinking, but you are so different than what you perceive yourself as. You think of yourself as a selfish monster that ruins everything out of pure selfish desires, someone that is responsible for all the pain and suffering for those around her."

Cadell couldn't bear the truth in Tashi's words. They were so undeniably true.

"And what am I?"

"You're so genuine, I don't think you realize it. Everything you think, everything you feel or want is laid out on your face for the world to see," Tashi said gently, "and there was not a single time that I looked at you and saw malicious intent. Envy, of course, but never hatred."

"Really?"

"Listen. Everyone feels a sort of guilt. It might have been your proximity to me during the incident or your pre-existing jealousy. But I want you to know that it is not your fault, okay? And if anyone says it is, then theyre lying to you. My injury had nothing whatsoever with you, nothing could've stopped it from happening anyways."

And surprisingly, something in Cadell believed Tashi.

Cadell sighed, "I'm sorry, I should be comforting you right now, not the other way around."

Tashi smiled, "you've comforted me enough the past few days. I don't need to be coddled."

Cadell gave Tashi a smile, a genuine smile.

"Thank you. Seriously."

...

Cadell walked towards the tennis court, her mind still racing with the emotions stirred up by her conversation with Tashi.

Adjusting her silver hoop earring, she saw a girl on the phone, standing outside the court.

"Yeah, I heard Tashi got injured because Cadell was too busy being a jealous mess to help her out." The girl's eyes flickered to Cadell's and a knowing smile ghosted her lips as she continued talking, "yeah, some friend, huh?"

The words hit Cadell like a punch to the gut. Her vision narrowed, zeroing in on the girl who had spoken. Everything seemed to fade away, leaving the two in a glaring spotlight.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

The girl turned to her, hanging up on the phone, her smirk growing wider.