A sigh of God

Chapter 18 - Regrets

"But if anything happens, call me immediately, okay?" You say worriedly before grabbing your coat, sending Satoru a look.

"Just enjoy your girl's night honey. I'm literally the strongest" He kisses your forehead before handing you your purse.

"If I find you asleep on the couch when I get back I will kill you-" - "Yeah yeah, have fun!"

You glare as he shuts and locks the door behind you.

You were momentarily overwhelmed by the strong music and crowded space in the pub. A smile flickered on your lips when you noticed Shoko at the corner of the room, sitting beside a round wooden table.

"So, how's the little one?" Shoko asks after you order drinks.

"Just like his father" You comment and Shoko chuckles.

"annoying but amusingly strong?" - "Not as annoying, not yet."

Shoko smiles warmly at you, chin resting in her palm when she asks how you really are.

"How I really am?" You repeat, thinking out loud and looking around as if seeking for answers.

"Constantly worried, I guess. It's the way that sometimes he doesn't sleep or eat as much as he should, and what is even more surprising to me is that it seems like he likes Satoru much more than me"

Shoko's brows knit together, head tilting to one side.

You take a long, weary sip of your drink before going on.

"I know it's not true, but Satoru is at much more ease and Haruto senses it. If I'm not anxious about how much he ate or slept at night, I'm finding something else to worry about like his future or his dad's future."

"It sounds like worrying so much makes you feel guilty" Shoko says calmly, her brown eyes studying your sad ones.

"I do feel guilty. I feel guilty about bringing a child to a rotten world"

Shoko couldn't put a finger on what was going on. It could be postpartum depression, but if that was true Satoru would notice by now.

"a rotten world?" Shoko asks, and you meet her uncertain eyes.

A memory played in your head which happened on a silent night a few weeks before. Satoru came back from a mission or a meeting or whatever it was, and you caught him sitting on the edge of your shared bed, staring at the wall.

The way life seemed to fade away from his eyes when he came back after missions pained you greatly. Bright blue skies turn into dull soulless colors, almost greyish, almost empty.

He loves being a father, and if he could only tear himself away from his duty....

"Y/n?"

The sounds come back all at once - the loud chatter in the dim bar mixed with the jazz music and laughter of people.

You blink twice before smiling, signaling with your hand that everything is okay.

"I think I'm just weary, that's all"

But Shoko wasn't convinced.

"If you need help you should talk to someone. Satoru should know" Shoko suggests carefully, making you bite the inside of your cheek.

"It's a never-ending cycle with him and I. We are so scared to hurt one another that we keep our demons to ourselves"

"And still," She exhales smoke, "You know how harmful being uncommunicative is. For both of you."