Love Restrained | Yellowjackets

chapter thirty two

XXXII

Natalie paced the room, her mind racing with a mix of guilt and determination. The memory of the incident replayed in her head like a relentless loop, each detail vivid and painful.

She could still see the look of shock on everyone's face, feel the sickening crunch as Lottie fell to the ground while she hit her.

The argument with Shauna had escalated quickly, tempers flaring until she had lashed out. And Lottie was the one to take it. Striking her harder than she ever intended was something Natalie was afraid would haunt her for a long time.

Now, Lottie laid upstairs, recovering slowly, and Natalie was consumed by a desperate need to make things right. But whenever she tried to help in any way the looks she received from the girls were filled with a cold and palpable distrust.

She overheard their whispers, their pointed remarks about how she was the last person who should be with Lottie.

She wanted to help, to be there for Lottie, but every attempt she made was met with suspicion and hostility. So all the care was Misty's job.

Frustration gnawed at her. Natalie knew she was the cause of the girl's pain, and the guilt was eating her alive. She wanted to help her through recovery, but she was an unwelcome presence.
Natalie looked around the room where the girls were gathered. She considered her options.

"Sure. Go ahead." Mari gave her a dirty look as she sarcastically said when saw Natalie grabbing a blanket under her feet.

"You're not using it. I'm gonna give it to Lottie." Natalie explained.

"Now you give a shit about Lottie?" Shauna raised an eyebrow.

"Hey!" Van intervened before they could get into another argument "Lottie took it from her to protect us. Don't let that be for nothing."

Shauna got on her feet and snatched the blanket from her hands and headed to the attic. Natalie let out a defeated sigh and went to sit by the window, next to Ben, who was looking at her with a pitiful face.

"I feel terrible."

"Maybe Lottie dying wouldn't be the worst thing." Ben shot her an apologetic look "I mean, if she's in pain then..."

"If she dies... that's on me." She gulped, looking into space and fighting back the tears.

"Hey, hey-"

"I never meant to say any of that to Shauna and, and I never wanted to beat Lottie, she didn't deserve that." Natalie blurted out "I'm just, I don't know... I feel so overwhelmed. I just wanted Hayden back. I just wanted to know if she's still out there."

She just couldn't stop thinking about her. Every moment consumed by that overwhelming feeling. Her thoughts were a constant, restless swirl of worry and fear.

Her emotions were a rollercoaster. Ranging from despair and helplessness to brief surges of determination to do something, anything, to find the girl.

Sleep offered no respite. When she closed her eyes, vivid dreams of horrible scenarios filled her mind. She would wake up drenched in sweat, her heart racing.

And even when she wasn't sleeping, the familiar face of Hayden Atkins would just pop up in her head. How strange to dream of the girl even when she was wide awake.

"Look, Nat, maybe her being gone is not the worst thing either..." Ben risked it.

"She's the only thing that keeps me going at this point. I feel so lost. I try to stay positive, to not lose hope." Her voice was shaken "All I feel is uncertainty."