so close to hope

IV

It didn't take you long to figure out that you and Roseanne are a good pair.

She's a gifted storyteller, and you're a great listener. She's lighthearted and playful and stops you from receding too far inside your mind, from getting too serious. She's messy and you're neat (just like Lisa, she says).

So, when Roseanne realizes she finally can't put off packing anymore -- on the afternoon before her big trip -- she just smiles at you as you sit on the carpet and re-fold the clothes she haphazardly tosses into her suitcase.

"Are you excited?" you ask.

Roseanne pauses, a wrinkled shirt in her hands. Her eyebrows lift, a little, like they do every time you initiate conversation. Like she's pleasantly surprised.

"I am," she says, after a moment. "Excited and anxious, I guess. Anx-cited, if you will."

She sticks her tongue out at you when you laugh. You ease the shirt from her hands and smooth out the creases before folding it.

"It's far," you offer, because that's what you'd be anxious about, if you had to go somewhere on an airplane.

"It is. And I'm going to miss you and Lis." Roseanne pouts dramatically, but you know she really means it. "I just hope they like the work I've done."

She's going to California to give a big presentation to her new graphic design client, and you know she's been working really hard. She's been staying up late -- even later than Lisa -- and this whole week her after school drink of choice has been coffee, instead of her usual lemonade.

"They will," you say, because you're sure of it.

Roseanne gets this sappy smile on her face and she shakes her head, looks at you like she's lucky. You scrunch your nose up at her -- because she's being a dork, because you're the lucky one -- and she bends down to plant a kiss on your forehead.

"I wish I could take you with me," she says. "For moral support and your suitcase-packing skills."

***

That night, after Roseanne and Lisa are asleep, you sneak down into the front hall and slip your old, small walkie-talkie into Roseanne's luggage, tucking it between her clothes. The signal won't reach and it doesn't really make sense -- Leo has the other one, not you -- but you know she'll get the idea.

Once you're back in bed you close your eyes and imagine Roseanne in LA, alone in her hotel room. In your mind she's nervous, biting the side of her thumb as she starts to hang her clothes up in the closet. But then she'll see it -- nestled underneath her blue dress -- and that same sappy smile will spread across her face.

You realize, then, that you're smiling to yourself in the dark. You cover your face with your hands, feel the happiness in your cheeks.

It takes you a very long time to fall asleep, after that.

***

Roseanne wakes you up before she leaves.

You made her promise that she would, and she's true to her word. Not that you ever doubted her.

"Shh," she says. "Just wanted to say bye, kiddo. It's really early -- you should go back to sleep if you can."

You blink, trying to see her in the dim light. It's still dark out, and through the window you can see the streetlights are still on outside. Roseanne kisses your cheek and starts to pull away, and that's when your sleepy brain kicks into gear. You pull back the covers and and get out of bed, yawning quietly as you take her hand and follow her downstairs.

The front door is open and Lisa's standing beside it with Roseanne's suitcase by her side. She's in her Pinks t-shirt and flannel shorts, and she's good at hiding it -- much better than you -- but you can tell she's trying very hard to be brave.