so close to hope

VIII

You'd never really stayed in a place with a proper backyard before.

Most of your foster homes have been in apartment buildings, and the group home just had a rickety playground next to the parking lot, so the first time Lisa suggested you play outside while she and Roseanne cooked dinner you didn't really know what to do.

At first you walked a lap around the perimeter -- cutting through the brick patio and skipping along the garden -- kicking up dirt as you went. Then you heard the fluttering of wings coming from one of the highest branches of the yard's lone tree -- practically smack-dab in the middle -- and you jogged to the base of the trunk to look up.

It was a red-breasted robin, hopping about a tidy nest of twigs, and you felt your mouth stretch into a wide smile. You hardly even registered it when you stepped onto the lowest branch and hoisted yourself up into the tree. A few branches up the trunk split, proving to be a perfect seat, so you settled in and watched the robin work.

It was breezy out, and the neighbor was mowing the lawn, but when you closed your eyes and concentrated you could hear the faintest squawks from the bird's young.

When Roseanne came outside to call you in for dinner it took her a moment to see you, and you must've been quite the sight -- up a tree in your slipper-pink dress -- because Roseanne grinned and shook her head.

"That dress will be the perfect camouflage come spring," she said once you climbed down. "The tree's cherry blossoms are just about that color."

After that, spending time in the tree became a daily routine. Once you finished your homework after school, you'd climb up to your perch to watch the robins and take in the neighborhood.

Roseanne and Lisa's house was on the slope of a hill, so from your vantage point you could look down into the other yards. You'd watch your elderly neighbor water his lawn and hear Somi and her friends laughing from the shallow end of her swimming pool, and you felt connected to it all.

Sometimes Harry would wave to you after he turned off the hose, and every so often Somi would call out, "Rami, watch this!" before flipping off the diving board, and for the first time you understood what it meant to be part of a community.

***

You sit at the top of the stairs and fiddle with the hem of your dress, straining to listen.

Roseanne and Lisa's friends are over -- Jennie, Jisoo, and Haein -- and you've heard great stories about each of them, but meeting grown-ups still makes you nervous. You'd been helping Roseanne make a pitcher of iced tea when their car pulled up, and you instantly retreated to your bedroom to calm the butterflies in your stomach.

Roseanne and Lisa let you be -- which you appreciate -- and you've slowly been making your way downstairs, first standing in the hallway, and now sliding down the steps on your bum, one by one.

Jennie and Jisoo are loud, which seems to make Roseanne louder than usual, but you smile, because they all sound very happy to see each other. Haein's voice is soft, which is a relief, because loud men make you anxious.

You've made it halfway down the stairs when Lisa appears at the bottom.

"Mind if I join you?" she asks.

You shrug, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Okay."

She sits next to you and stays quiet for a moment, and you think maybe she needed a break from all the noise.

"I don't like meeting new people, either," she says. "And three is a lot of new people to meet at once."

"Really?" You look over at her with a furrowed brow, because you know she meets new people for work all the time, what with her grant presentations and employee interviews.