The 12 Steps

Step 7

Step 7: Humility - Humbly ask God to remove the shortcomings

Song: I Want to Fly Away - Emmit Fenn

(Major Trigger Warning: Scenes of drug use and suicidal thoughts)

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L I N C O L N

This is the problem with addicts. They find new addictions all the time to take the place of their old addictions. So, this is my new addiction: imaginary conversations.

I'm serious about this. I play out conversations or scenarios of how things might happen right before they do. It feels bad and it feels good at the same time. It feels bad for the obvious reasons that those imaginary conversations aren't always the best and it feels good because I feel prepared for whatever happens.

'Be realistic,' Henry used to say. That was something I've made my mantra moving forward because it was scary having to trust myself not to relapse or give in after leaving Newport Academy. It was like a safe place for me, I just hadn't realized until I left.

I've been thinking about that place lately. My time in rehab has been playing like a movie over and over in my mind. I could almost hear Henry say, 'It's good to remember' with the brightest smile on his face. I learned that he was right, but that doesn't mean it felt right most of the time because right now, I was remembering too much. And it wasn't good.

I was in and out of rehab. I relapsed four times in the two years I was in North Carolina. The last time I went back, there was a book that Henry mentioned, called Bleak House by Charles Dickens. I thought, 'I couldn't care less about a dead guy.' I don't remember what he said about the book, because in all honesty, I tuned out of that whole session but when he said there was a quote in there that described us, it was like my ears perked up right away.

I was curious. Some dead guy wrote something that described us? Teenagers who made an irreversible mistake? Charles Dickens actually understood kids like us? Like me? I couldn't believe it.

And then Henry said, "I only ask to be free. The butterflies are free".

Hearing that completely shattered me.

I couldn't understand why butterflies at first but it made sense. At a time when I had given up on living and had felt nothing but numbness, I was reminded of the cage I felt trapped in. Not only of the one I put myself in but of the home I was going to be forced to go back to. A home I felt I no longer had. I was reminded of the pain I was in. Oddly enough, it made me feel again.

In our one-on-one sessions, Henry asked me what I thought about the quote. I said, "What do butterflies have to do with anything?" I didn't want to tell him what I actually thought. I'm not entirely sure why, but I didn't want him to know. Like I wanted to keep this one secret to myself.

"Do you know what butterflies symbolize?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders, lazily. "Butterflies are a symbol to Native Americans and represent change, and hope. It represents the human essence, freedom, and love in Chinese culture." I nodded but I had no idea where he was going with this.

"Butterflies are free to roam the earth without a care in the world but it doesn't mean they are free of predators. Happiness isn't without perseverance and hard work, but it is up to you."

I stared at him. This man always says the most beautiful things. His words made me feel something again and I wanted to cry.

He said nothing as he looked at me, waiting. His hazel eyes always had something that felt like love in them. I have fought against his care for me for so long. I wanted more than anything to fly away, I wanted to be free but not in the way Henry was saying.