Young and troubled Kaia realized that she is slowly losing it all, she is slowly being swallowed by blackness and emptiness. It started from the bottom of her heart; then one day she learned that inside her body, within her skinーis a void.
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For Kaia, life hasn't been good, and the world hasn't been gentle. Her little life was never problemless or genuinely happy. She never knew what it feels like to have an unweighed heart, a peace of mind, a piece of gentle affection. Even as a child, it has always been fear and rage.
She developed anxiety at a very young age. It was when she was six that both her parents would quarrel almost every night. Those nights when her mother stayed up late, enraged, waiting for her drunk father to come home. And they would quarrel, yell, and sometimes throw stuff at each other. She would hear shatters and harsh thuds of dropped stuff on the wooden floor. She doesn't know who caused the sound or who is throwing stuff-all she knows is that they were mad, and she's afraid.
And she would keep hearing about their financial problems, which she only understands when she's in second grade—she's eight—after getting familiar with their social studies subject. At nine, she totally perceived that her father was an alcoholic and her mother was an irate woman, and money was the epitome of their frequent quarrel.
It occurred to her that rage is what is on their abode. And the dominance of rage became unbearable and emotionally abusive. It made sense to Kaia the frequent scolding of her mother and the way she would nip their skin often when upset with her daughters.
Kaia was never too young not to perceive or not to understand. She is as smart as she is, and she would always make herself understand, but she was never vocal.
"Your child is the most obedient in the class. You raised her right and just." Her grade three teacher once complimented them both.
She couldn't recall what her mother replied to it, but she remembers how her arms bled after being nipped by her mother after learning how she defended herself after being on the naughty list. That was a petty reason, but that was when things started to get complicated between them. She started questioning; she started feeling helpless; she started feeling wrong about her mother.
She changed over time. She grew a little rebellious. She started talking back; she started doing things behind her parents backs. She stopped caring about her mother's opinions and scolding.
The next thing she knew was that she's sixteen. And her arms and thighs are often sore, while her eyes are usually swollen. And her growth discontinued after the pandemic hit; only her lengthy hair remained growing. She's getting smaller, thinner, and paler—as if she's always badly sick. And her heart is always hurting, and her mind's always a mess. Then her relationship with her mother got even more complex to understand.
And she just finds herself yelling and raging at her mother.
"You don't talk to me with that voice? You are adding up to my stress. Your father is again drunk, and you are here indolent and shitty. Talking back and getting disrespectful!"
"Why can't you just shut up?!" Kaia yelled back at her mother downstairs, crying. "You are yelling every day. Aren't you ashamed that other people are hearing you?"
