Just For Today

Chapter 2

Everyone has some form of a haunted past, it isn't exactly anything new. Everyone has low moments, triumphs, losses. Everyone has to work through some type of bullshit to get to a better place. My story is not special, my problems are not new. All my problems are just a reminder that I was a stupid, selfish teenager. I was a person who could only fathom caring for herself, and it took way too long for me to realize how wrong I was.
    I was selfish from the moment I could speak. I took advantage of my mom and used her love for me as leverage whenever I could. I was spoiled. I was a brat. But it only got worse when I was a teenager. When I was sixteen it started, and when I was nineteen I peaked. I peaked in the worst way possible.
    I remember it all so clearly, the cold dirty bathrooms in my highschool became my second home. I would sit in those stalls with groups of people I couldn't name and let myself do whatever I wanted. I would act however I cared to act. The only constant was Miles. Miles was there through it all. Me and him, with our demons intertwined.
    I skipped happily around the brick building, towards the thick woods lining the back wall. I crouched under the broken open chain link fence and followed down the twisting trail until I found him sitting under a tree waiting for me. A small lit joint sat between his fingers, trailing smoke up into the sky. I slid my way into the spot beside him and gratefully took the joint when he slipped it between my fingers.
    "What class are you supposed to be in right now?" Miles questioned, leaning his head against the trunk of the tree. He closed his eyes peacefully, letting the wind brush over his face. I slid down the tree until I was sitting cross legged next to him.
    "Algebra, I don't understand why I have to take it. I already know I'm good at math, the class just bores me." I groaned, taking a long drag before passing the joint back to him. He took it without opening his eyes, not needing his vision to guide him.
    "You have to take it because you're a sophomore, and the government and education system want to control you as much as possible. They make their lists of requirements and if you don't follow the requirements exactly they deem you unworthy and make it impossible to go anywhere in life." Miles breathed, he opened his eyes slightly and turned towards me. His gaze danced over me for a moment, and then he returned to his previous position.
    "So you had to take algebra too? Were you any good?" My expression perked up. I couldn't let him know, but I secretly loved all my classes. I loved learning things I didn't know before. I loved being good at things. Miles let out a deep, strong laugh and shook his head. As if my question was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.
    "Fuck no!" He laughed, "I wasn't going to just conform to society's standards like that. I barely went to any of my classes. I keep telling you, skipping your classes is the best decision you could possibly make. Once you get out of their brainwashing you realize how much more you've been missing out on."
    I sat perplexed for a moment. Miles always said negative things about school, society, and the government. Most of the time I just let him talk, despite not understanding any of his opinions. I knew a lot of the things he so blatantly hated were actually good, but I wanted to impress him so badly. I would do anything to impress him, to make him think I was worth everything. I just couldn't fully wrap my head around never going to classes, I enjoyed them so much I would miss them if I never went. Miles opened his eyes again and turned to me, taking a long drag as he did.
    "You have to trust me, Madeline. You trust me right?" He frowned, I nodded in response. I did trust him. Even if he made no sense, even if he confused me, I trusted him. He was smarter than me, I knew he was smarter than me. I just needed to listen to him and believe what he told me, that is what was best for me. Miles leaned in and kissed me, placing his free hand on the back of my head. When he pulled away he shook his head and chuckled to himself. "You really are just a lost little puppy, aren't you? You wouldn't know anything if you didn't have me." The words stung as they poured into my mind, but I knew he didn't mean to hurt me. He wanted to help me. He was trying to save me, make me smart.
    Sophomore year was the year of skipping classes and smoking weed. I would only skip a few periods a week, Miles would wait in the same place every time. He would always have a joint for us to share, and while we shared it he would tell me all the things I needed to know. After a while, smoking during school became smoking after school. We would meet during whatever class I had skipped, and when I got out of school hours later Miles would still be waiting in that same spot. He would have a freshly rolled joint ready for us, and we would sit there and smoke it in silence. Miles really enjoyed silence, sometimes he would tell me the sound of my voice hurt his head, but it was just his way of asking me to be quieter. He wasn't the best at communicating, but I always understood him.
    For the entirety of the second semester of sophomore year I went home high. I was so certain my mom never noticed, but I'm sure she did. I would get home and lay in bed, thinking about all the things Miles had taught me that day. I would revel in the idea that he chose me, out of all the people he could have, he chose to teach me. He saw something special in me, something no one ever saw before. He saw promise, he saw skill, he saw brilliance, he saw a gullible girl.
    I barely passed my classes that year, and when I did pass them Miles got so upset. He yelled at me for hours, telling me if I had been able to pass my classes I clearly wasn't listening to him like he thought I was. He said I was falling for all their tricks, I was too good and trusting and they were using it against me. They were convincing me to be something he knew I wasn't. They were teaching me how to be a robot, the same as everyone else. The real grade to be proud of is an F, because an F means an independent mind.
    Amanda told me he was full of shit. She had been my best friend practically my whole life, I didn't know whose side to believe. I didn't know who to follow. In the end, I picked the wrong one. I spent most of that summer with Miles, smoking in the shed in his yard. He spent most of his time there, lounging on the couches and smoking the days away. He didn't go to school, he had dropped out the year before when he was a junior. He didn't have a job, he thought the idea of working for money was too similar to slavery. He got in a fight with Amanda about it once, she told him it was the exact opposite of slavery. She called him an idiot, and said he had killed all his brain cells with all the drugs he did. She told him he should have stayed in school, because maybe then he wouldn't sound so idiotic all the time. Miles told me I wasn't allowed to see her anymore.
    I saw Amanda whenever I could. On the days Miles decided to ignore me, and pretend I didn't exist. Amanda didn't talk about Miles, she didn't tell me what to do. She just enjoyed her time with me, we interacted the same way we always had. We spent our time together pretending everything was the same as it always was. By the time junior year started, Amanda and I didn't speak to each other anymore. I missed her all the time, I still miss her. We just grew apart, and I couldn't really explain it. I wanted to talk to her almost every day, I wanted to invite her over, gossip to her over the phone. Miles told me if she didn't talk to me she clearly never cared about me in the first place. I believed him.
    I would believe anything Miles told me, because he was smarter than me. Because he was older than me. Because he told me I had to, he told me I was just a dumb little girl, and he was trying to teach me more than anyone else could. I never talked to my mom about Miles. I tried to once, when we first started dating. Mom got really mad, she said he wasn't good for me and told me to stop seeing him. Miles said Mom was just part of the system, and she needed to be educated too.
    There's a lot of regrets in my life, but ignoring the warnings of the people who truly loved me is my biggest one. Sometimes, late at night when everything is quiet and I'm still awake, I like to imagine what my life would be like now if I had listened to them. I would probably have a better job. I probably would have graduated, maybe even gone to college. I wouldn't have wasted an entire year of my life in rehab. I wouldn't have wasted all of Moms savings on a year in rehab. I would be a different person, a better person.
    There's no point in dwelling on it. I can't go back and rewrite my story. I can't change the things I did, the choices I made. All I can do is learn to live with it all.