• BURN ME •

• 44

Party Monster
~ The Weeknd

Flame

I stretch out my arm to the other side of the bed, in search for my little fire. To pull him closer to me, bury my head in his soft hair and just hold him. But my arm only hits the cold bedsheet, is he already up? I slowly open my eyes, blink away the sleep and carefully sit up. My eyes only adjust slowly to the light in my room, but I can see that he's really not in my bed anymore. I scan the room, but he's not here, my heart aches at the thought that something happened to him. I shake my head, he is probably making breakfast, like always when he's here. A smile creeps up my lips. I swing one leg out of bed, I have to think about my mother's words. She always said, that my father is the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up, and the last thing before she falls asleep. She said that this is what loves feel like for her, my thoughts stop abruptly. I stare at my hands, the same hands, which hurt people, which killed people. Santa mierda, the realization that, he's the first thing I thought about when I woke up, and he was the last thing before I close my eyes, sets in. My eyes widen, do I love him? It's like a punch to the guts, I rub my face, but I can't deny it. I look at my hands again, fuck, I love him, I fucking love him. My pulse races wildly as I run my hands through my tangled hair. Love, is a damn weakness that I cannot afford, I have to protect Sophia, my family. And yet I love Snow, he's like a damn drug, addictive and intoxicating. Like the best trip you can have, I can't get enough of him, I can't control myself when he's by me, at least not my cock. Every time I see him, and he looks at me with his big blue eyes full of affection, I want to rip his clothes off and fuck him over and over again. I can't get enough, not of fucking him, not of holding him, not of him. My damn heart skips a beat every time he smiles at me. The anger that consumes me subsides, whenever I touch him, and get replaced with the burning need to fuck him. When he's with me, it's like he has a damn power over me, a power I can't resist. I lick my lips, Santa mierda. Can I do this to him? Can I really do this to him, can he even love me back? I can't force him to stay by my side, but I couldn't let him go. Even if he wanted to, even if he begs me to let him go, I couldn't. Because I'm too selfish, fuck, I want him to myself forever. I would do everything for him, fuck I even killed this prick Reed, because he hurt my little fire.

I've tried to push him away, keep him at arm length. But no matter what I do, he still looks at me with so much trust. He's not afraid of me and that drives me crazy, he drives me crazy. He wasn't afraid of me from the beginning. He saw the darkness in me and still wants to be with me. A deep sigh escapes my lips, he should run away from me. My head is in chaos, it's a fucking rollercoaster of emotions, up and down, fuck. I stare at the door, he's downstairs, right? Should I tell him? Or not? I press my lips together and rip a pair of sweatpants out of the closet before I go downstairs. "Baby?" I call as I step into the living room, Sophia turns her head towards me so she can see me from the couch, "he had to leave, but he told me, that I should force you to eat breakfast first." She says, I look at her. "Where is he?" She sighs, "nope, first you eat something. Then I'll tell you where he is," she says. I sigh and get something to eat, Sophia looks at me as I drop down next to her. I eat breakfast in silence, "he had to go to the club, John wanted something from him. How are you? What happened yesterday?" She asks quietly, I sigh. "I argued with father and the day itself was horrible", I explain to her, she sighs. "What did you argue about?" She asks me, "Father scanned Snows background, can you believe that? And then he had the nerve to say that he did it to protect us", I say and continue eating in silence, Sophia clicks her tongue. "That's shit, did you tell him to stay out of it?" She asks, I nod. "Of course, the old man should leave me the hell alone", I grumble quietly.

Sophia looks at me, "before you leave. Remember to take your clothes for tonight. I don't think you'll be coming home before dawn." She says, I nod slightly. "Don't worry, I wanted to change into something else anyway." I explain to her, she laughs quietly as I jog up the stairs. I change and grab my clothes that I laid out a few days ago, and make my way back downstairs. Sophia waves to me as I leave the house, I get into my car in silence. Before I start it and drive off, I just texted Nacho. And that's how I know that he's already at the club. And apparently he's really stressed, I tap my finger nervously on the steering wheel. It takes me so damn long to get to the club, this damn traffic. Are there only fucking idiots on the road today? At another red light I snort in frustration. My thoughts wander again, back to Snow. Fuck, that damn man and his fucking eyes. God, those eyes, I can't understand. How he can look at me with those blue eyes as if I've never hurt anyone. And his smile, Mierda, I love that smile. My hands grip the steering wheel tighter as my heart skips a beat. Either I risk telling him. The worst that can happen is that he rips my damn heart out of my chest. Santa mierda, I'm rub over my face.