The Lost Girls || Bbangsaz

XXVI

     By the time the fire had settled to shallow embers, I had no memories from my living years. Nothing left to remember the person I'd been before. The emotions lingered, like an afterthought. I could poke at those dark and empty places, and they would poke back, making me hurt in ways I couldn't name. As the minutes passed, even those began to fade. The way a bruise would hurt for a few days after impact, then eventually disappear.

A sense of relief settled over me. The heavy weight that had lived on my chest for my entire existence was no longer there. I could breathe. But at the same time, the little things that had given me joy were gone. I remembered talking about some kind of doughnut-eating contest with Hyein, but I couldn't remember participating, or even what doughnuts tasted like. I knew what cats looked like but couldn't remember ever petting one. I'd gone swimming as a vampire, but knew it felt different when I was a kid. I didn't know how or why, just that it was. I had a large expanse in my mind where things used to be, and without them, there was just nothing.

Hyein approached us. Her scarf had gotten twisted around in the uproar of wind. "That got wild for a minute. Do you remember anything?" I looked at her and blinked. Pale skin, frizzy black hair, amber protruding eyes. I shuffled through the memories I had left. On the surface, I knew she'd been my best friend, but I had nothing specific to solidify it. As if someone held up an apple for me and told me it was blue.

It was a reality I didn't recognize but had to accept. I had the memory of turning her so many years ago, then the last few weeks. That was it.

"I remember my time as a vampire," I said. "I know from a factual standpoint you were my best friend, but I'm sorry. I've got nothing beyond that."

The devastation on Hyein's face had me turning away in shame, like I'd done something wrong. We had no other options, though. I couldn't allow myself to feel guilt for losing something I no longer knew how to miss, but I cared about Hyein. Not, I suspected, on the level I'd cared for her before the fire, but we'd become friendly over these last few weeks.

"It's fine," Hyein said. "I told you I'd remember for you."

"Okay." I probably should've felt gratitude for that, but I didn't care. My life before I'd been turned was gone, and knowledge of those days wouldn't bring them back. Part of me didn't want to hear about the old days. I couldn't miss what I didn't know.

"I remember that I had a sister." Haerin touched her temple, like she could still feel the ghost of her memories wiggling around in there. "I remember going to the funeral home, and feeling sad, but I don't remember anything about when she'd been alive."

The hollow way she spoke about Bea made my heart ache. The cadence of her words held none of the feeling, the joy and despair, of having known her sister. Like she'd become a character in a book Haerin had read about once but had no significant emotional attachment.

She frowned, as if she knew she should've felt something for Bea, but couldn't quite touch on how or why she'd been so undone by her death.

"It's so strange." Dani stared up at the school in wonder. "Logically, I know I went to this school, but I don't have a single memory of walking those halls while alive. I know the names of the people in my photo album, but I couldn't tell you a single thing about them or even recall what they looked like outside pictures."

"Does it make you sad?" I asked. I wanted to understand what Dani and Haerin were feeling, so maybe I could begin to understand what I was feeling "Because it doesn't make me sad, or happy, or anything. It just is."

Haerin nodded. "That's how it is for me too. It's an absence of the past." We let our new sense of reality settle over us, adjusting to the idea of having always been like this as far as our memories were concerned.
Eventually, those empty spaces would fill with new memories. The shadowy clouds had cleared, revealing a glorious expanse of stars. Moonlight bathed the parking lot in a peaceful glow.