The Lost Girls || Bbangsaz

XVIII

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     The sun rose over the trees as I stood on Hyein's back patio. An old swing with rusted hinges and faded cushions still managed to stay upright at the back of the property. I walked through the yard, where a chilling mist wound around my ankles, and a light frost coated the grass. The gazebo where I spent lazy summer days reading had fallen apart, now no more than a pile of sticks with chipped white paine and overgrown weeds. Her backyard bumped up to the woods where Hyein and I waited half the night for the Fisher brothers, who never showed up because they'd been caught sneaking out of their bedroom window. Another memory that came to me out of nowhere, but soon would be burned away the moment Dani, Haerin, and I sacrificed our heirlooms to kill a boy we all once had loved.

     Haerin stepped outside. "It's almost time."

While Hyein, Dani, and I had played Monopoly all night, Haerin quit after the first round to work on her human-hair rope. She stayed silent and moody. At around one in the morning, she'd gone off on her own, not returning until now. The closer we got to ending Elton, the more withdrawn she'd become. I worried what losing her memories would do to her state of mind and what trauma still lingered from the graveyard.

     Not for the first time, I considered if it was all worth it. Protecting Hanni had become important enough for me to say yes, but Haerin had no such attachment, and her memories felt so much larger than mine. I didn't have a sister who had been my sun. I had a mother who'd consistently put her fragile ego before me and a teacher who had stopped caring about his students. When I put it like that, I wondered if was really making any kind of a sacrifice at all.

     I approached Haerin as the last of the morning mise burned of with the sun and rubed my arms.

     "Are we doing the right thing? is killing Elton worth the cost?"

     "Yes" She grabbed me so fast, I was nearly thrown off balance.

     "You're not having second thoughts, are you? Because we've passed the point of no return already."

     "I'm still on board. I'm just.."I lifted my hands and let them fall uselessly at my sides.

     "Just what?" Haerin's black-cherry scent sharpened as her ancient eyes bored into me. "We don't have room for doubt, so you better spit out whatever you're thinking."

     "I'm in, that's not going to change." Like always, Hanni was at the forefront of my mind. The way she scrunched her nose whenever she was trying to figure me out, her adorable ramblings, the way she'd let out a soft sigh the first time we kissed. Every memory I had of her, I'd be able to keep, and making sure she made it out of this safe and alive made it worthwhile to me. But Haerin would be losing Bae. It felt like she'd been asked to pay significantly more than Dani or I had, and I hated the unfairness of it all.

     "I wish there was another way."

     "Believe me, so do I." She released me and hung her head as she leaned against the gray, splintered siding. "I'm the only one left who remembers Bae. When my memory goes, she goes with it. Permanently. There are no pictures, no recorded history. She'll just be wiped away.
As if she'd never been here at all."

     For some odd reason, jealousy rose inside me, snapping its bitter teeth. I couldn't help but wish I'd had family I'd loved like that in life, who had loved me in return. Maybe I wouldn't have made the choices I had with Elton. Or maybe I would've gone through with it anyway, and I would've felt worse. That was the problem with constantly looking back. I could spend the rest of my eternity running over every choice I'd made and convincing myself I'd done everything wrong.