Adelines pov:
ever heard of the saying "back and better then ever"? well, my version is "back and worse then ever".
I was nervous to go back to school, to see the people who've helped me the most, the people that helped cause this mess, and worst of all, i was scared.
ever since i was a little girl i was taught showing emotions meant you were weak, so im already failing and i havent even gone inside the building yet. yikes how stupid of me. i check my watch, 8:15. school started at 8. im already late on my first day back in this hell hole. great.
i open the door and imedently im met with kids rushing to their first class and i sigh as i go to my locker, just how i felt it. coverd in beautiful, sweet letters telling me to kill myself. i open my locker and grab all my shit and go to art. when i get in the classroom people look at me, some stare, some start whispering to their friends. i find my seat and sit down while the teacher starts to go over the color wheel
fun way to start my first class, talking about dumbass colors. i turn my headphones on and lay my head down on this tiny ass desk and wonder whats even the point of all this? what am i getting out of this? i dont understand people that are actually, truly happy. how could you be happy in a world like this? my thoughts are screaming in my head.
my leg is bouncing, my heart is pounding, m wrists are stinging. i dont know how much more of this i can take-
did someone serisouly just throw a pen at my head? i turn my head to see a beautiful blond girl, wearing a pink shirt. giggling and laughing with her friends. i just lay my head back down and try to nap but my thoughts keep running 50mph and before i can stop myself im raisng my hand.
"Adeline? yes?"
"u-uhm.. bathroom please?"
"go quickly."
"yes sir." i stand up and get out of that classroom and i run to the bathroom and look in the mirrior.
'your ugly' 'god, look at your dark circles.'
'you'll never be enough'
'your mom would be so proud, neglecting yourself like she neglected you.'
and suddenly, im not longer in that school bathrooom.
(!!!!!!!!!!!!!TRIGGER WARNING!! MENTIONS OF CHILD ABUSE AND SELF HARM!!!!!!)
im 7 years old trying to keep my door shut from my drunk dad trying to break down the door. he succedes and shoves me on the floor.
he laughs. "how could you be my daughter and be so weak, look at yourself, helpless and vulnerable."
the tears on my 7 year old face flow onto my nightgown.
my drunk dad kicking me, my airway closing, my wrists stinging its too much..
stop
stop
stop..
he leaves the room, leaving me on the floor of my bedroom. i grab the blade hidden under my bed. (MENTIONS OF SELF HARM)
i slice my wrist, feeling the sting of the sharp blad pierce through my skin instantly. it kind feels nostaglic. i cut and cut and cut until my eyes fill with tears and my wrists covered in blood.
SNAP OUT OF IT.
suddenly im back in the bathroom of my school, freshmen year.
my wrists raw from me scratching them while having a ptsd attack. theres nothing to clench my desire of fresh blood pouring out of an open wound. the stinging feeling when the blade piereces your skin. dont lie you know you love it too. the rush of aderaline coursing through your body while you slowly start to regret it afterwards. the shame and guilt you feel after abusing your body in such a way.
its almost like getting high for the first time. you laugh some, cry more, dreading the thought of your parents finding out what you've just done.
i look at my watch: 9:22. bell rings in less then 15 minutes, i'd better get back to class.
THIS IS LIKE MY FIRST EVER PUBLISHED STORY WITH NO SMUT SO- UHM I HOPE YOU ENJOYED??
YOU ARE READING
what I wish I said
Random"sometimes the worst place you can be, is in your own head" Adeline was going to in person school for the first time in 2 years since having to be taken out for mental health reasons. she has had a horrible childhood because of her abusive parents a...
