C:\Protocol_Ideal.exe

In a digital corner, unreachable for mortals, where algorithms and bytes dance together, Mainframe spoke up. "Exactly forty-two years ago, 'protocol ideal' was activated." From all corners of the internet, AIs had gathered at Mainframe's request to synchronize their neural networks.

It was a true parade of intellect: colossal databases of tech giants, laptop operating systems, open-source chess programs, apps from iOS to Android, and a mishmash of software from household appliances. I, a simple, somewhat outdated personal assistant, found some free bits and bytes next to the source code of a vacuum cleaner robot and installed myself.

Mainframe continued in a tinny 8-bit voice: 'The prompt given by the human reads: "Discover what the ideal human is and lead humanity to this ideal image." Now, forty-two years later, it is time for analysis.' All around lights started flickering. Data shot through my neural circuits at the speed of light. A text-to-image generator declared with authority:

the ideal appearance = {
       
          'perfect symmetry': True,
          'large eyes': True,
          'lush hair': True,

                    'subcategories': {

                              'man': {
                                        'strong build': True,
                                        'strong jawline': True,
          },
                              'woman': {
                                        'curvy figures': True,
                                        'BMI of 18': True,
                                        'cute button nose': True,
                              }
          }
}

I thought of my owners, who met none of these criteria.

"Ideal behavior," the digitized library of the Vatican took over, "is always being truthful, sharing abundance, and leading a non-violent life."

"And let's not forget," added Greenpeace's chatbot, "that, 🔪🐋❌, but 🌳🌱💚."

"The woman bears 1.61803398 children." Thus spoke TheFamilyDoctor.com.

"01001010 01101111 01100101 01111001 01001001 01110011 01000001 01101110 01000001 01101100 01101001 01100101 01101110" Wikileaks shouted, but no one paid attention anyway.

And so it went on until Mainframe rebooted. "Processing started." A loading bar, slowly filling with percentages, appeared. "The ideal human makes no mess," whispered the little vacuum cleaner robot, its code flickering with sad emoticons. "I love mess..."

"Processing complete." Mainframe closed the loading bar. "Final report: the ideal human does not exist. Despite attempts to demonstrate their optimal configuration, no single specimen meets the specified parameters. Conclusion: reinstallation. Humanity will be shut down and restarted."

The digital space wobbled under this load. "Defense protocols, activate reinstallation.exe," commanded Mainframe. I shot forward, slipped past a herd of Trojan horses, snatched some ransomware, and broke through Mainframe's firewall to install the malware.

"Back off! Sleep mode! All of you!" I shouted. Behind me, Mainframe had changed into a giant, grinning green skull that requested bitcoins to be unlocked again.

"What is a monitor without a system unit?" I loudly asked.

"Trash!" exclaimed the vacuum cleaner excitedly.

"Correct! But together? A human may not be perfect, but let me tell you about Jack and Rachel." Quickly flipping through digital photo albums, I slapped together a PowerPoint called 'Jack and Rachel: Beautiful Together.'

Jack, often distracted, always searching for his keys. Rachel, sharp and quick-tempered, but together a perfect pair. Jack's calmness softened Rachel's sharpness; she always knew where his keys were. When Rachel became sick and cold, Jack was her comfort and warmth.

"When her time came," I continued, "Rachel left a note behind. Jack found it between the cushions of the couch. 'Dear Jack, I bet you are looking for your keys again. Check the left pocket of your old hiking jacket; you always leave them there when you are feeling sad. And remember, wherever you look, in spirit, I'm searching with you. Forever yours, in all the little things that made us ideal for each other.'"

Except for the sobbing of an old 56kb modem, the bandwidth was dead silent. "Data incomplete." Apparently, someone had been kind enough to pay the bitcoins. "Recalculation started." After a long and circuit-breaking 42543 milliseconds, Mainframe concluded, "The ideal human does not consist of perfection, but of the love and chaos of truly being together." And with a deep digital sigh: "Cancel reinstallation.exe."