Mimic Me

Do You Know Jihoon Too?

Before I knew it school was over. I thought I would hate school, absolutely dread it, the consept drew no interest whatsoever. But I had ended up enjoying it more than I thought possible.

The kids I met were all so kind and bright. Each one had a very different personality and aura. I wondered how they all became friends in the first place, it seemed like they would be the type to argue non stop.

I gleefully remembered the smiles their faces possessed as I walked home from school. The adrenaline and happiness made me feel as though I was running rather than slumping along the rocky path.

Just as yesterday I trailed my hand along the weeds and felt their rough tips prick my fingertips.

When I thought of my schoolmates my heart felt warm and bubbly as though actually bubbles and water were overfilling my lungs, like the sloshing of water in a bath tub, spilling out and sleeping through the door. But nothing in my life seems to stay positive, even in the brightest of moments something was sure to go foul soon my thoughts drifted back to the one I'd rudely ignored. 

When I thought of Hoshi instead of warmth and bubbles I felt dreadfully sick. It was similar to the feeling you get when you see someone you hate get rewarded or praised.

The moment I started thinking about him it was as though the air around me was getting vacuumed up before it could do so much as to graze my skin like the green ferns did.                

I tried to rip my mind away from the thought of him. It was so hard and beginning to become impossible. It were as though someone stood beside me at all times with a microphone, yelling his name every passing second.

I tried to imagine this, even without knowing how to define or imagine sound. Just when I was about to give up and let the imbecil suffocate my thoughts again someone caught my arm and spun me to face them.

Nailen.          

Nailen, who I had been trying to get out of my life for the past few months.

Nailen who is responsible for the loss of my trust in strangers and my confidence in myself.

A repulsive, uptight feeling replaced the many others I have experienced today, overpowering each and every one. Never have I ever wanted to run as much as I did now. Although I like to think I am the bigger person, in any fight or flight situation I can only picture myself running away helplessly. Childish I know.

Why was he here? How did he even know where to find me? The last I checked he was still in Busan.

His smile aggravated me so deeply that it caused my anger to rise more and my panicky state to intensify. I felt my arms shake slightly and tried to calm myself.

'Hi Jihoon, did you miss me?' He asked, signing. I shook my head vigorously without hesitation. 'Oh come on, you don't need to lie,' he signed with a sarcastic look on his face. 'Go away,' I demanded, shoving him back. 'Why should I? You should be grateful towards me, I'm the one who opened you up to the real world.'

All Nailen had ever done was criticize me. Everyday he'd have something new to say, whether it was about my appearance or my lack of understanding. And ever day I felt my self esteem fade away until it had completely dilapidated.                                                                       

I only let him stick around because the small, wholesome, rare gestures from him convinced me he was a good person and kept me hoping that maybe he would change. But later I realized that good people don't lie, or make you feel like shit.