Disasterology

31 (Finale)

I stare at the photo of myself, not recognizing the girl who's looking back at me. It was taken six months ago right before I went into the hospital. I'm stood outside in my backyard in front of my pool, my phone pressed against my ear. I'm wearing a black dress that clings to my way too thin body. My hair, although professional done, looks lackluster and dead, probably due to the fact that I probably hadn't ate that day or a couple days before. 

"Whatcha looking at?"

I turn and see Vic coming down the hallway to me. When he gets to me, he stands with his chest right against my back and throws an arm around me, hugging me. His eyes lock on the photo that I've been staring at for the past five minutes.

"I can take it down." he says.

"No, it's fine." I say as I turn to look at it with him. "It's just weird."

"Why's that?"

"It doesn't look like me. Like, I know that's me, but physically and mentally I don't feel like the same person that I was then."

"That's because you're not." he says.

He's right. Since quitting the industry I've changed so much. For the first time in years, I've gained weight and not been shamed into losing it, but rather encouraged to keep gaining weight. I'm actually up 20 pounds, bringing me to my biggest weight I've ever been, and I couldn't be happier. My hair is actually growing now that I've been feeding myself, and my skin has been glowing. I'm not sure if that's from the food or the happiness I've felt since quitting. 

Of course, the happiness didn't come right away. Dealing with the loss of my whole network, no matter how toxic, was still hard to take. In one day I essentially lost everyone I had in my life and aside from having Vic beside me, I was alone. As if that wasn't bad enough, I decided I needed to speak up about what happened to me. I wanted to ignore it so it would go away but I realized that ignoring it would just mean it could easily happen to someone else the way it happened to me. I filed a report of everything that happened, which caused a lot of legal actions to take place. In the end the case didn't make it to court. I was gutted. The only redeeming factor in the whole situation is the fact that Jim Reagin is now looked at in a different light. Now people were hesitant to work with him from what I hear and his career has definitely taken a hit. It's not the perfect outcome, but it's something.

"I wish I would've left sooner." I mumble more to myself than to Vic.

"Better later than never." he says softly. 

"I know." I say with a sigh. "I should've listened to you the first time you told me to get out."

"You weren't going to leave until you were ready."

I nod in agreement as my eyes continue to focus on the photo of me. Even my face looks dead. Despite the fact that in the photo I'm wearing a ton of makeup, I can still see the tired look on my face, almost as if I hadn't slept in days. I hate this photo and at the same time, I like having it as a reminder of the shitty times I've been through and the fact that I made it out of those times and I've come a long way since then.

"So, I did come here for a reason." Vic says, pulling my attention back to him. "My parents want your help in the kitchen. They bought all the stuff for that sweet potato salad you made last week."

"I should've never made it for them."

"No, you shouldn't have." he agrees with a laugh. "All week they kept asking me if we could come over before today so they could eat it again."

I shake my head but there's a smile on my face. Ever since Vic and I moved back to San Diego we've been coming over to his parent's place for supper ever Wednesday without fail. One week his parents cook for us, the next week we cook for them. It's become my favourite part of my week. Not only do I get to eat and cook fun meals, but I get to be here with Vic and his family and I actually feel wanted and loved.

I turn around so that Vic and I are face to face so that I can kiss him, but before I do we hear Vic's dad call out to us.

"Finn!" Vic's dad calls from the kitchen. "Please don't make me wait longer, I'm old and hungry."

"He's ridiculous." I say to Vic with a laugh.

"He just really likes sweet potatoes."

"They know I gave them the recipe, right?"

"You make it better!" Vic's mom calls from the kitchen.

"Come on." Vic says, taking my hand in his and leading me to the kitchen. "They just like having the whole family in the kitchen, you know that."

It warms my heart to hear Vic say that. It warms my heart even more to know that they genuinely do consider me part of the family, because at least then I do have one. The day I got out of the hospital I called my parents to tell them everything that happened, and I mean everything. All the things I'd been keeping from everyone came spilling out. I talked for ten minutes straight, sparing no detail. Once I was done the only question my parents has for me is what me quitting the industry meant for their financial situation. I told them I didn't care about what happens to them financially or otherwise because I was done talking to them. I haven't heard anything from them since then.

"Oh, thank God." Vic's dad says as we walk into the kitchen. "I was worried I was going to faint."

"Let's see it." Vic says with a laugh. I hit him before moving to the counter to get started.

"So, Finn, have you guys started any of the planning yet?" Vic's mom asks we get to prepping the salad.

"Not really." I say. "We're still a couple of months away."

"Eight months! You should have at least the colours down by now."

I glance over at Vic who shares the same guilty look as I have on my face. 

"We're working on it." I say. "It's not like it's a big event."

Vic's mom shoots both of us a stern look. "It's your wedding day, it's a big event."

"Well, yeah, it's meaning is big, but we have, what, 50 people at most coming?"

"About that." Vic says. "Probably less."

Vic's mom shakes her head at us in disbelief. She thinks we're crazy for having a small wedding in Vic's backyard. To her, a wedding ceremony should be a huge event where you invite everyone that you know. To Vic and I, that's just ludicrous. If I were still in Hollywood then we would be having a full coverage wedding with every single celebrity there, but as it stands, I'm no longer in Hollywood. We want a small and intimate wedding, one where only the people that we know and like are invited. Plus, let's face it, Vic's friends and family are mine now, I don't really have any of my own so that cuts out a lot of people. 

"You kids are crazy." Vic's mom says with another shake of her head. It just makes both Vic and I laugh. 

I take in the moment, loving every second of it. I love the smell of Vic's mom's coffee cake in the oven, I love the feeling of being in a warm kitchen, cooking a healthy and filling meal that I'll eat guilt free while surrounded by people who love me and want to see me. I love the feeling of being me. I love it all.

Over the span of my life, I've gone from Finnley McAlpin, small town girl, to Finnley Moon, famous actress, and soon I'll have a name that finally fits me at least, one I'm proud to have; Finn Fuentes.