Screaming in silence

Overthinking

It had been three months since my dad had raped me and i still didnt told anyone, I really wanted to but I just couldn't, it was a too big risk. What if my dad becomes mad at me and do  something horrible to me  again, or what if people say it's all my fault? To think about it it sort of was my fault.. In just needed to watch the time and come home on time.

Everytime I looked into the mirror I felt so disgusted in my own body, I felt dirty all the time. Even when I closed my eyes I could feel his hands all over me again, the way he touched me so unappropriately all over my body. I would spend hours in the shower scrubbing my own body, making my skin turn red and break apart, just so that I could try and crub his touch from my body.

Every single day, I couldn't help but wonder if everyone could see the embarrassment plastered all over my face, like a giant neon sign saying that I lost my virginity at the age of ten. It was also so bad that I was so young, it was disgusting really. Who would have sex at the age of ten?.. Did the people know that my once pure innocence had been tainted and stained, like a white shirt splattered with mud? I worried endlessly about what they might think of me. Would they point fingers and pass judgment, blaming me for something I never asked for? It felt like my own father had thrown me under the bus, leaving me feeling so alone and dirty, like I was carrying around his mess all by myself.

I wished I had someone to talk to, someone who would understand and validate my feelings. A counselor, perhaps, or even just a friend I could confide in. But I didn't know if I could trust anyone with such a heavy secret, even if it meant getting the help I needed.

My 11th birthday was coming up in just over two weeks, so I had something to look forward to and distract myself with. Despite this, I couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness inside, like I had lost my desire to live. I wasn't suicidal because, after all, what ten year old could be depressed? Ten year olds should be happy, spending time with their parents, laughing, and playing. But even though my dad hadn't done anything strange in the past three months, I still felt uneasy around him. It was more than unease - I was scared. This fear lingered, making it hard to feel excited about anything.

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I was sitting on my bed with a pile of snacks in front of me, watching a series on my laptop called 'Mako Mermaids.' I've always dreamed of being a mermaid, surrounded by the endless ocean. Just imagining all that water makes me feel like I could finally be clean. Maybe then, I wouldn't feel the disgusting touch of my dada on my skin anymore. The water could wash away the memories, making me feel safe and free.As I watched the show, I lost myself in the fantasy, wishing for a life where the sea could cleanse me and I could escape my past. The mermaids in the show were so happy and carefree, swimming through the waves without a worry in the world. I imagined myself diving into the deep blue, feeling the cool water wash over me, washing away all the pain and fear.

The more I watched, the more I wanted to be part of that world. A world where I could leave everything behind and start fresh. I longed for the freedom they had, the ability to swim away from all my troubles. The thought of being in the water, feeling its embrace, gave me a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a long time. As the episode ended, I sighed, coming back to reality. But for those precious moments, I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe one day, I could find my own way to be free, to feel truly clean and safe. Until then, I would keep dreaming, finding comfort in the fantasy of the ocean and the mermaids who lived within it.