"I'm Not Crazy"

X.

On Halloween, my skin was burning. I had taken a very long shower to prepare for the day. It went far longer than I intended, but I just couldn't bring myself to get out from under the scalding waters. Hours later, my skin still felt raw. It was tinged pink, with no ending in sight for the memory of the heat to fade. The knowledge of that burning feeling was keeping me stabilized; weighted down to the ground.

I was being brave. That's what I kept telling myself anyways, because being brave seemed to be the only option when bridging my own way out of self isolation. I'd allowed stagnation way too long. It was time to either sink, or bravely swim. I was choosing to swim. Swimming could be done. Swimming was forward motion.

And it was distracting. I decided I could very much use that distraction.

For their own part, Bird/Basil was going to need to be very accommodating. As I walked up the sidewalk towards "The Ballad" with my pink tinged skin, that thought was very much on my mind. The last time I'd seen them I'd been snapping at my neighbor and my attitude had been very unwelcoming. Bird/Basil had asked me to come meet them at work to discuss my requests, and they'd acted as though nothing was out of the ordinary, but I knew. I'd been a basket case, hadn't I? I'd been avoiding everything in my life as a result.

But I was being brave, and so when Bird/Basil told me to meet them, I chose to move forward on my quaking feet.

I had missed Hollywood Boulevard. That much was evident as I walked my way over the stars. Halloween was well underway. People were milling about in costume, clogging the sidewalks with laughter and holiday spirit. The bars and stores had their doors open, the festivities flooding into the street. I was having to choose to remain composed with every bit of jostling.

It was easy to get lost in, both physically and metaphorically. Although I knew my way to the Ballad based on my practice of repetition, I felt my mind wandering, slithering it's way through the crowd. Snippets of conversation engulfed me for fleeting moments. Lights and costumes caught my eyes. Witches hats, masks and superhero capes dragged at my attentions.

Then the lighted sign for the Ballad came into view, and so did the person standing out front.

"Hey Pill-Popper!"

I felt my body freeze. I couldn't help but stare at him with wide eyes, like he was some type of dangerous villain and not just a perfectly normal human being of whom I'd shared an Ooh-bear ride with.

Riley was leaned up against the wall outside the Ballad with a cigarette in his mouth. He had Bird/Basil's plastic devil ears posted up on his head, holding the hair out of his face. That was the extent of his costuming. He was otherwise plainclothed in black jeans and a sweatshirt advertising a college I'd never heard of, Portland State. He was smiling like he found my presence amusing.

When I didn't immediately move again, he raised his eyebrows. He didn't uncross his arms, or drop his gaze, although I would have liked both. I remembered I was being brave, and forced motion back into my legs to finish closing the gap.

"That isn't my name," I managed. I was proud of myself for that.

"I didn't say it was," Riley laughed. He seemed unsurprised to see me. I didn't know why I would have expected any different, but malice had been on my mind. "No shame anyways. Who am I to talk? I practically invented pill popping."

At first I stared questioningly. Then I recalled how I'd yelled at him. The memory came back to me forcefully; his face when I'd snapped. The smile falling off of his lips. The seriousness leaking into eyes that had seemed so carefree before. Riley had composed in a way that seemed to counter everything else about him. He'd been fiery and amused before, and then suddenly so drained and devoid of anything but that direct person who'd told me to lock the door.