"I'm Not Crazy"

XV.

Friendship was weird because it could move so incredibly fast. That's what I was learning anyways. I had limited experience, but I could deduce that it was moving very quickly. Riley treated me like a sponge, pouring himself out and expecting to be soaked up as he went. By that I mean that he simply would not leave me alone. Riley was a needy friend.

It wasn't the first time I'd felt latched onto in such a way, although I'd never felt as though I were a reciprocal person in the past either. When I was growing up in hospitals and programs, people came and went frequently. When you're new to that environment, it's scary. You seek people who don't look threatening, and you latch on. I was latched onto constantly, likely because of my tendency to speak less. I was used to being the approachable option. People tended to flit away when they realized I had nothing in terms of social graces to offer, but that didn't mean that I couldn't see the pattern.

I did not know Riley's motivations for choosing to latch onto me. I did not think it was because I was the safe option. I didn't even think Riley needed a safe option. Maybe he was wild and dark and accustomed to pain, but the more I saw of him, the less I saw any real need for a non threatening option. He had enough of those between Basil and his sister. He directed his life in ways I could only dream of doing. He had a fire inside of him. He gave off the idea that he had options, and I was endlessly confused as to why he'd bother with me.

He did bother with me though. Nearly everyday. Riley was needy.

I was a busy person. It had never occurred to me quite so starkly before, but I was busy all of the time. I had school, and I had therapy, and I had the med pushing doctor that thought I needed higher doses, and then I had Riley calling and texting me constantly while I tirelessly pursued my life.

"Are you busy?"

"Why the fuck are you always at school? You're so boring Charlie!"

"Do you want to go to the beach?"

"Do you think I could go to a drag show at a gay bar without relapsing?"

"Basil told me that they find it offensive that I haven't invited you to dinner yet."

"What are you doing right now?"

For someone that had insisted he did not have the presence of mind necessary to be attached to his phone, he reached out very often.

I applied to jobs. I woke up the day after we went to the beach together and I applied to every random job I could think of. I applied to jobs I didn't even understand. I sent out endless applications and felt as though I was doing everything short of begging. It became a waiting game, and then a cycle.

"Why do you even need a job?" Riley demanded eventually when he saw an application on my laptop. We were at a coffee shop. Riley said he was there because his heart needed the caffeine, but mostly I think he was bored and desperate for a place where I could do schoolwork while also entertaining him. He was not drinking his coffee, which was actually decaffeinated. "Be retired. It's awesome."

"I am not independently wealthy," I replied. I was getting better and keeping my focus on the work infront of me while be talked to himself.

"That's true," he agreed, and notably he paid for the hot chocolate I'd ordered as well. He paid every time we went anywhere and there was never conversation about it.

Riley was good for menial tasks, which wasn't something I'd expected out of him. He was willing to sit and watch me be productive, and he'd even do it semi quietly if I looked at him sharply. Basil told me he wasn't a busy person. Riley spent more time at home than necessary, Basil insisted. Riley had been dripping in boredom for months, and he was willing to be quiet if it meant someone was around for him.