A painter's game - Tom Kaulitz

There, i found myself

***

"Why won't you just let me all the way in." I grasped for air and then covered my mouth with a cry.

He looked down at me, his mouth was slightly open. I slightly blinked.

I grasped for his hand, I hoped that he would hold it together in his.

Did I cross a line?

"I need you, you left me!" I marvelled, it was hard to keep myself.

Watching him age was unusual, he was supposed to be dead, yet here he was, standing in front of me again.

"It's not that easy to look at you after all this time" he said, holding his hands in fists.

I bit my lip. "Do you think it's easy for me?" I grasped. "I had to live the grief of you dying, twice." I admitted.

"Nothing can be the same.." my heart was now cold.

He looked at me, pulling my chin up as he slowly sat down. Having our faces close. I could feel the dryness of my eyes, I knew it was real.

"There is no more of us, Tom." I held his face. Feeling his warm face against my cold hand.

He bit his lip. "But I miss you, and us." He admitted, holding my wrist and bringing my hand closer.

I looked at him. "You loved seeing me bleed, seeing the tears in my eyes." I took a breath. "You weren't like that before, what happened to you.." It was always clues and unwritten things about him.

He didn't answer, just holding my hand close.

"2008, there, I found myself." I tilted my head. "But you were someone else" I said.

He took a breath, while feeling a cold tear fall down my hand. "But I need you, so why won't you just let me all the way in" I begged.

"I destroy you like I am, I'm sorry that I'm the one you loved." His voice in a crack. It hurt watching him.

"No one will ever love me like you again." He pressed his head onto my chest.

I slowly put my hand around his head, feeling my hand press his hair as he breathed heavily.

"I did kill myself that day, I was meant to die." I heard him mumble under the cries.

I swallowed harshly.

"I survived, I don't know how." He was silent for a few seconds. "I guess there comes a time when you're sick of trying. Sick of the same silence and same feeling of guilt." He moved his head slightly.

He slowly sat up, looking down with a grasp. "For you I am sweet, for you I survive." He looked up, he put his arm to his hair and moved it to his neck. Showing a big scar on his jaw, following down to his neck.

I gasped, seeing this scar that had meaning, purpose, some sort of feeling of awareness and consciousness.

He let go, looking down as he moved his head.

"When they took you, they held me back from contacting you, police and anyone I could think of was after me." He admitted. "I searched for you everywhere I went." He placed his hand closer.

I took a deep breath.

"But bill." I blinked.

I looked down. "He's, different." I looked back at him.

"You left, he left. Everyone fucking left." I covered my mouth.

I tried to sit up, I now felt the heaviness of my head. I looked around, feeling my head feel lighter.

I could only tell I was in a strange room. "Where the fuck even am I?" I looked at him.

He slowly stood up, putting a hand out. "Eselin." He said, trying to grab on to me.

I let out a cry. "Please don't tell me." I wanted to sit down.

"Don't tell me, that you." I felt sickened. I mumbled on my words. "Don't tell me that you took me here."

He stood still, he couldn't speak.

"Oh god." I wanted to throw up, "I'm supposed to be on a train right now," I looked around. "Aren't I?" My hands were cold.

I could cry, but they don't mean anything, and won't change anything.

I wanted to scream, but what I'd learn, that'll make it worse, he says.

Tom quickly grabbed my arms, held them together, he tried to catch my eyes, trying to make us have eye contact. Wanting to control me.

My eyes felt tired, I was tired.

"No.." I whispered.

"Eselin, I saved you." He said, looking at me intensively.

"What?" I almost whispered.

"Those men, you were gonna die if I didn't show up, you slit your wrist, and I was there to save you. Don't you remember?" He asked, his eyes furrowing.

I moaned in a cry and almost a hiccup from the tears. "How could I ever forget." I looked around, trying to avoid his eyes.

"How can I ever forget the hands around my body and the gropes and the yelling in my ears, how can I forget how they haunt me every day. How can I forget the feeling of almost dying and the shatter of glass falling on the floor after wanting to end my life" I couldn't even close my eyes.

He held me close. "I am what you need, I am what makes you whole" he said, trying to smile underneath the tears.

"I wanted to die, just to escape that feeling. How could you not understand that.." I said almost above a whisper. "I opened up to you, and you judged me" I breathed ragged and uneven.

"Why do you always beat me to the verge of death then patch me up and love me."

***